A Change of Heart and a Change of Mind

"Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room
Calling my name and I follow just to find you
I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather
And I've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause
I frozen time between hearses and caskets
Lost control when I panicked at the acid test

"I wanna get better

"While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind 'cause the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars,

Hey, I wanna get better!

"I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better"

-Bleechers, I wanna get better.

   
     One of the hardest things I have had to do recently, is to step back and really take a look at myself.
Changes needed to be made.  And, if you've ever tried it then you know for a fact, that change is one of the hardest things to do.  Especially change within one's self.

     Things in my life looked good.  Well, on the outside, at least.  I was married.  I have two kids.  I was in a great position at work doing some really cool stuff in the War on Terror.  To anyone looking at my life from the outside, things looked pretty great.  What no one could see, was how much pain I was actually in.

     Something had to change.
   

Well said, Socrates...well said.

     The problem was, like so many of us, I feared change.  I feared change to the point of inaction.  And that was my downfall.  I knew things needed to change.  I knew I couldn't go on much longer in my situation the way it was.  But fear is a powerful deterrent and it worked it's paralyzing magic on me.    

     I wanted things to be different.  I wanted things to be how I imagined they would be in my head 16 years ago when I asked her to marry me.  And despite what some people may think, I tried.  I tried damn hard to make things right...to make them as good as I thought they could be.  And, it worked, sometimes.

     They say hind sight is 20/20.  They (whoever They are) are all damn geniuses.

     If I could see things the way they were...as they happened, perhaps I wouldn't be where I am now.  Then again....using my hind sight, I see now that the success...or failure...of a relationship takes two...no matter how hard one of them is trying.

     I've mentioned in previous posts about how I've made mistakes.  I own that fact.  I am working to change that and not make the same mistakes again.   But I didn't start out that way...making mistakes, I mean.  It took a long a time to get there.

     You see, I'm a people pleaser.  I like to try to make everyone happy all the time.  The more I care about you, the more I try.  Even at the cost of my own wants, needs and happiness.  I hated to hurt anyone that I cared about.  I would find myself saying whatever people wanted to hear, just to make sure they were happy...or at least not upset with me.

     That was one of my worst mistakes.  Saying what I thought people wanted to hear, instead of telling them the hard truth that may hurt...led me down a path that I couldn't turn back from.  It became the norm to gloss over things.  Glossing over things turned to denials.  Denials turned to lies.

     Lies are never good.

     I'm not sure how, but I was such a people pleaser that when I DID try to tell her how I felt...that I wasn't happy, or that I needed things to change...I found myself apologizing.  Somehow, the conversation...about how I was feeling....about the things I needed changed or at least discussed....always turned into an argument about how that made HER feel like a bad person.  The end result...I apologized for making her upset with my feelings or concerns...and the conversation was over.

     The other thing hind sight showed me is that I...that we....fell into patterns.  Ups and downs...the roller coaster of life.  I would explain that I thought things needed changed.  Then...I would apologize for feeling that way and making her feel like a bad person.  Things would get better for a while....until she felt like they were good again...and then they would go back to how they were before the conversations.  The amount of time that things stayed good varied.  At first...it was a year or so, then it digressed until the 'we need to get better' conversation happened about once a month.

     When I say that things would get bad, I mean I would feel like I didn't matter.  I would be made to feel like I was not even wanted in my own house.  While a marriage isn't about sex...the physical side is a good barometer for how things are going.  When it was at the point that we would go MONTHS without so much as touching one another....that's a problem.  Emotionally, I was being slowly killed.

     At several points along the way, I asked for us to get help. One thing I learned from my time in Iraq...more specifically, my time AFTER Iraq...is that therapy works!  So, based on the success of my PTSD therapy after I got back...I asked for us to go to couple's counseling.

     She refused.  Every time I asked, she said no.  Eventually....that sent the message that she didn't want to try....that we weren't worth it.

     While all this was happening...my job was also beginning to weigh on me.  I was not happy there.  I was being treated poorly at work, and at home.  My stress levels were skyrocketing and my stress relief was all but nil.  I worked longer hours...often times just staying in the office even if I didn't have work to do...just so I didn't have to go home and feel unwanted there.  My hobby....writing, and being creative with my friends....also went away.  I didn't even have that to look forward to anymore.

      I felt alone.  I felt worthless.  I was spiraling downward into a dark place, and I couldn't see it.  My friends could see it.  Some of them even tried to reach out to me.  I couldn't see them.  My co workers could see it.  I was blind to their concerns as well.   I am not sure if my ex saw it...but if she did...she never said anything.  I wold say I was unhappy....all I would get was, "I know you're not happy.  I hope that it gets better."  Maybe she didn't know WHAT to say....but that wasn't it.

     I retreated within myself.  I pushed every good thing I had in my life away.  I tried to throw myself into the kids' activities.  I never missed a basketball game, or a swim practice.  But I did choose to stay at work, or away from the house longer than I had to....to avoid feeling like I didn't belong in my own home.  I didn't want my kids to see me this way.

     That's when mistakes happened.  Mistakes that hurt a lot of people and ultimately ended my marriage.  (Though...looking back...I think it ended well before we stopped living together.)

     Perspective changes things.

     It was cold.  It was hard.  Rock bottom is a desolate place.  To find one's self there is an often surprising, and sobering moment.  As I lay on my back....at the lowest point in my life...I looked up at the wreckage of what I left behind.  Every relationship I have ever had was gone...at least they would not be the same after this.  I lost everything.  I was more alone that I ever had been.  I couldn't go any lower.  I found...much to my disliking...that jail greatly changes one's perspective.

    And that's when it hit me.  It wasn't just THINGS that needed to change.

     I needed to change myself.


     I was determined to change ME.  I knew I couldn't do it alone.  If I was to be the man I needed to be for any of the friends that I may have left....for my kids....for myself, I needed help with this.

     Many, many hours of therapy have taught me a lot in the last six months.  A lot about myself.  A lot about my situation.  It's hard.  It's not easy to look at yourself and see the real you...and decide to do something about it.  But it's worth it.

     I am worth it.

     The fact that I just said that is significant.  Mostly because I didn't have any self worth six months ago.  The first thing I learned was that I had to change my mind....about myself.  I had to stop letting the way others made me feel dictate my self worth.  I also had to change the idea that my mistakes defined who I was.  YES, I made a mistake.  NO, that mistake is not who I am.

    It takes work.  but through all of this...through the mistakes, and the low points...even through the bad choices, I've had a good heart.  Yes, it was broken, and a bit cynical.  But my heart always had the best of intentions, even though my actions weren't always the best.  I needed to get past the breaks in my heart...to see that my mind needed to be changed.  My heart needed to change...so that my mindset about everything else could change as well.  And because I change heart, I am able to change my mindset...to see me for ME, not for who SHE made me FEEL like I was.

     What I am finding through all of this, however...is that a bitter, cruel heart...the one that does things out of anger...that will prevent one's mind from changing.  A heart that wants only revenge, only bad things to happen....is a very dangerous thing. Her heart is so blinded by anger and rage, that it is dictating all of her actions.  
  
     I am working to change myself...so I don't make the same mistakes again.  So that someday I can be happy and have the relationship I have dreamed of.  I know my heart is in the right place.  My heart has forgiven her for the role she played in the failure of our marriage.  That has freed my mind to change for the better as well. 
  
     I worry about her...my ex.  I know I hurt her.  I know she's angry.  And she has every right to be.  But, I worry that change won't come for her.  It's very easy for her to place all the blame on me in our situation.  She doesn't see that she needs to change as well.  And she won't put in the work in order to change.  Because a cold, hard heart....won't allow change.  That's the hardest thing to see...and without putting in the work to change....happiness will always be just out of reach.

      It took hitting rock bottom for me.  Everyone is different.  Maybe it won't take that level of pain...of darkness...for everyone.  But if you find yourself needing change...and you're willing to put in the work...start with your heart.  As desperate as things may feel....if you are willing to work for it,  you can have a change of heart....and a change of mind.

Sarge,
Out.

Everything's Gonna Be Alright

   

It was 1994.  A young man was preparing for his Senior Prom.  He was nervous and excited all at the same time.  He was excited because it was Senior Prom.  His girlfriend was....well, hell....he was just glad he HAD a girlfriend.  You see, he wasn't the most popular kid in the school.  He was kind of a misfit....got along with everyone, but didn't really fit into any particular clique.  And therein lies the reason for his nervousness.  While he wasn't afraid that something would go wrong...it was always hard to be part of an event when he never felt like he truly belonged.  In the end....it turned out to be a fun night.  He was glad he went, and he had a good time...and memories that will be with him for life.


     It was 2014.  A not so young man was getting ready for his 20 year High School reunion.  He was nervous and a bit excited all at the same time.  He was excited, because in the last 20 years he had come a long way in his life.  His life was...well, hell...he was just glad he was still alive at this point.  You see, he wasn't the most popular kid in the school.  He had been kind of a misfit....got along with everyone, but didn't fit into any particular clique.  And furthermore...he hadn't seen many of these people in 10-20 years.  While he wasn't afraid that something would go wrong...it was always hard to step into an event wondering if anyone would even remember who he was.  For a guy like him....going to a 20 year High School reunion was like that young  man in 1994 volunteering to be 'it' in dodge ball.

     Life is a strange thing.  When we graduate high school and prepare to enter the real world in one way or another, we all have visions and ideas of what our 'grown up' selves will be.  I would venture to say that not many of us get exactly what we had in mind.  I spent about a year and a half running through just about every crappy job an 18 year old just out of high school could have.  I joined the Army with the intention of 'doing my 4 years' and getting out.  I just 'needed to find some direction.'

     I retire from the Army in 16 months.
   
     So, clearly, I didn't live out the plan I had in mind.  At least not quite.  At some point in the last 20 years, I realized that the reason my life didn't quite turn out the way I imagined....is because I had no idea what I wanted my life to be.  And honestly, that's OK.  It took a long time to realize what I wanted to do with my life.  There were a lot of factors that came into play before, during and after that 'decision' was made.

     I once had dreams of being a Hollywood actor.  I joined the drama club in high school.  Granted, I did that just to impress a girl....but it was enough to make me realize I loved being creative.  The fact that I was a big nerd and had a ridiculously overactive imagination helped fuel that creativity.  I mean, what Dungeons and  Dragons geek hasn't written his own "Hobbit" in his own head...right?

     A friend of mine had a dream of being a marine biologist.  He had an almost unhealthy fascination with sharks.  He knew damn near everything there was to know about sharks.  I was sure he would be the next Cousteau.  I got in touch with him a few years back.  He works as an emergency response dispatcher.  Not quite the shark hunter he dreamed of...but he was good with it.  He likes what he does, and he was happy.  Isn't that all we really want in life....to be happy?

     And that's the key.  Being happy.  I walked into that reunion nervous as all hell.  I felt like that kid getting ready for prom all over again.  As soon as I walked in, I saw one of my friends from the drama club.  He and I laughed, and caught up...well, as much as you can catch up on the last 20 years in about 5 minutes of conversation.  But it was good to see JJ again.  That felt good....maybe it wasn't going to be so bad.  Then I made the rounds.  Table after table saw me...and I was greeted with smiles, handshakes, and hugs.

     I don't know, for sure, how many were genuine and how many were just being polite.  I could definitely tell a few were legitimately glad to see me and everyone else there.   That's just how they always have been.  So when Melissa jumped up from her seat and hugged me, I knew she wasn't just putting on a good show.  She was always one of the nicest people I knew.  And at this point in my life....good genuine people are what I need around me.

     There's a feeling you get when you see someone that you truly care about for the first time after what feels like a lifetime.  Things around you slow down and that moment lingers for a bit longer than time normally allows.  I found myself staring, almost in disbelief, as I made eye contact with two of my best friends from High School.  And best friend doesn't really describe what Selena and Renee were to me.  I was just reconnected with family!

     In school, there are the jocks...the band nerds...the drama geeks...the stoners...and, especially in MY school,  the rednecks.  I belonged to exactly none of those...but got along with almost all of them.  My "clique" was the misfits.  Yes, I was in drama club, but even there I still didn't feel like I fit. 

     My misfits, however...we fit.  We fit in with each other because we didn't fit anywhere else.  We leaned on each other  when times were hard. And for high school misfits, it felt like times were always hard.  My misfits looked past the bleached blond hair, mismatched shoes, and year round trench coat and saw...ME.  That's how it was. We just saw each other. 

     So 20 years later, that feeling was still there. It was like I was reunited with my long lost sisters.  It was amazing.  And while I was enjoying the feeling of catching up with old friends, something occurred to me.  

     It was in times like this that we see how far we've come.  

     I have traveled the world. I've been to war and come back a changed man.  I've seen horrors that haunt me still and always will. And I've seen sights so beautiful I have literally lost my breath to behold them.  But even after all that, it took going home to see how far I had come....how far everyone had come.

      We grow. We change. Priorities shift from being friends with the right group...simply so we fit in, to providing for our families and treasuring our truest friends. The ultra skinny cheerleader that wouldn't give the chubby kids the time of day, now finds family more important than a size zero waistline.  The "cool kid" who made fun of my weird hair and shoes, was genuinely interested in my plans for writing in the future.  The long haired saxophone player who was the life of the party....was still the long haired saxophone player who was the life of the party.  Some things just don't NEED to change!

     Granted, that asshole in high school who liked to scream "wooo!" for no apparent reason other than he liked his own voice...that guy still likes his own voice.  Too much.  I guess we don't ALL mature the same way, even the ones who need to the most.  And... That guy... is even more annoying 20 years later. 

     All in all, I was nervous for no reason. 20 years is a long time, and everyone grows...for the most part. True friends are going to be true friends no matter how much time passes.  Cliques fade as we grow.  If I could tell the 1994 me anything, it would be these two things...."Get to REALLY know her before you pop the question...and...relax. In the long run, everything's gonna be alright."

Sarge,

Out