A little validation goes a long way!

I'm still a little beside myself over this one.  I'm pretty excited and proud of myself in this moment.  For me...that's HUGE!!

What's all the hubbub, you ask?   Well, I was just published on a photography web site!!  Not just an article, they used my photos too!  

If you've been following this blog, then you know I've had a rough year this past year.  And while it's getting a lot better in many ways, I find that I am still doubting myself pretty much any chance I get.  

So, I fought through the paralyzing fear of rejection and actually submitted an article to a website. And it paid off!  

I'm flying high right now!   It feels really good to see my name on someone else's site.  It tells me...I'm good enough. And lately, that's been hard for me to see for myself.  

I'm ready to take on the world.  I feel like I can do anything.  I know it's not that easy, and that I will still face rejection down the road.  But for now, I'm riding this high and saying, "damn the little voices that say I can't."   

One of the things I've been trying to answer over this last year is, "who am I?"  Well...I just got a little closer to finding out.  

Hi. I'm Luke. I'm a soldier. I'm an artist. I'm a father who loves his kids more than life itself.  And...I'm a writer and a photographer. 

Check out my little article here:

http://www.camerabymyside.com/2-minutes-with/shooting-the-world-around-you-by-luke-newman/

Ok.  Enough blubbering on my part.  It's just proof that a little validation goes a long way. 

Sarge

Out

Does anyone know what they really want?

     Alright, check it out....

      I sat down to write this entry, based on a single article I had read that really pissed me off.  Then I made the mistake of clicking a link to another article on the same website.  Click click....page loaded....Sarge reads....open the can....worms go everywhere.  So what you are reading now is the result of getting lost in a sea of the most ridiculous bullshit I think I have ever read in my life.

     Then I thought about it.  The problem is bigger than just one thing.  There are a lot of examples of this that cover a full spectrum of issues, but all share the some similar traits.  I was going to find them...and discuss them all right here today.

     I debated not even writing this article....because, as a journalist...I believe in freedom of speech.  As a Soldier, I fought for everyone's right to be a douche in an open forum.  So, to sit here and say that people shouldn't write what they want to write...almost seems hypocritical.  But the more I read, the more justified I feel in writing this article.  Every author I read on this rag of a website that initiated this rant...and all the others that I discovered after deciding to write it... have a right to their free speech.  However...that doesn't prevent me from exercising MY freedom of speech and calling out their general douche-baggery.

     It's not often that I read something online and have a legitimate emotional reaction.  For the most part, I will check out the funny videos or pictures that awesome sites like BoredPanda.com or Buzzworthy.com will publish.  Or, I'll read a somewhat uplifting post on Upworthy.com or some other site with a cause. Usually, anything 'offensive' is only mildly so and I attribute it to poor taste or equally poor education (in life...not necessarily in school), and it doesn't bother me much.  Then there are times that the interwebs remind me exactly how much there is in this world that can cause us to lose faith in humanity.

     So, no kidding, there I was...bored at work and clicking links to entertain myself.  I was neck deep in an online entertainment rabbit hole, when I clicked the link that would change my whole mood for the rest of the day.  And...I was subsequently online for the better part of the night trying desperately to find a redeeming point for the website that I stumbled across that day...to no avail.

     The title of the article I read is "5 Reasons Why Girls With Tattoos and Piercings Are Broken."  I clicked the link, thinking I was going to get a lighthearted article listing goofy or funny reasons the author....(in my assumption before reading...likely a tattooed or pierced woman)...thought the title was true.

     I couldn't have been more wrong.

     There are a few sure fire ways to piss me off in just a few short moments.  Wear your sunglasses inside.  Park in a clearly marked 'No Parking' area because you are going to 'just run in for a second.'  Say words like 'irregardless' or 'suposebly.'  (While one of those is grammatically correct...it still sounds stupid.)  Another way to ensure I'm fired up when reading something....make a broad and absolute generalization.



     The article opened with just that...stating that 'No girl has ever...' and then followed it up with another one..."There's no man on Earth who's ever...."  
    
     First of all, Jack...how the hell do you know that "No girl has ever" ANYTHING?  You are immediately and irrevocably unqualified to make that statement based on the fact that you are in possession of a penis.  And again....to assume that you know that "No man on Earth..." well, that's not only arrogant, it's laughable.

     I had to continue reading.  This guy was a staff columnist for this website...which means at least one other person thinks his writing is worth something.  So I gave it a shot.

     He goes on to basically say that girls (he never refers to them as WOMEN) who get tattoos are mutilating themselves.  Blanket statement.  Within in the first paragraph, his credibility was shot...at least with me.  He says that no man  has ever thought a woman looked better with a tattoo or piercing.  I, for one, am a man.  And I, for one, happen to find a well placed tattoo, or a little nose piercing (or other piercings....just sayin') VERY sexy on a woman.  I also know for a fact, that I'm not alone in this thinking.

     That said...I had to keep reading because this guy wasn't writing about how body art detracts or enhances beauty.  He was claiming that ALL women who have tattoos or piercings are broken...mentally and emotionally.  I wanted to see why he thought so.

     After reading the article, I realized why this guy thought this way about ALL women with tattoos and piercings....actually (upon further reading I discovered), he felt this way about ALL women in general.  That reason is simple.

     He's a misogynistic asshole.

    The site was called Return Of Kings.  The site aims to promote the return of masculinity to men in America. The following is from the Return Of Kings website...this is what their page is all about:

     Return Of Kings is a blog for heterosexual, masculine men. It’s meant for a small but vocal collection of men in America today who believe men should be masculine and women should be feminine.
     ROK aims to usher the return of the masculine man in a world where masculinity is being increasingly punished and shamed in favor of creating an androgynous and politically-correct society that allows women to assert superiority and control over men. Sadly, yesterday’s masculinity is today’s misogyny. The site intends to be a safe space on the web for those men who don’t agree with the direction that Western culture is headed. Click here to send an email to the team. (link removed)

      Women and homosexuals are discouraged from commenting here.

     Did you get that?  "Women and Homosexuals are discouraged from coming here."   After further reading on the site, it is pretty evident that these "men" don't want anyone there that will threaten their masculinity.  And what's more threatening to a big manly homophobe than to be put in your place by a gay man?!?!

    While I don't see anything wrong with being a masculine man...AT ALL...I have problems with anyone who thinks one of the ways of doing that is to belittle women.  REAL Men know how to be masculine, and manly, and still respect women and treat them as they should be treated.  REAL men aren't afraid of Homosexuals.  There's nothing to fear.  Don't worry, it's not contagious...you can't "catch their gay."
 
    I was floored by articles with titles like: "Why you shouldn't care when she cries during a break up," "The three I's of getting laid," "How to get more sex with Alpha Douchebag Club Game" (I am NOT making this up....), "How to free yourself from the need for women" (let me guess....start a super douchey misogynistic and homophobic website?), and "Genetics guarantees that Feminism will lose."

     I have no idea how men still think this way in this day and age.  I will attribute this to my Mom and Dad doing something right and raising my brother and I to value ALL people equally.  But it's there...men still think this way.  And that made me rather sad to be a man.  I felt compelled to apologize for my gender.

     Then I realized....I have nothing to be sorry for.  I don't think this way.  I need to do something about it, though...and let people know that these ass clowns are out there.  And there are probably more like them!

    I wondered how much was out there on the web.  How much crap is available for consumption by the masses thanks to the broad distribution powers of the almighty Internet?  I began looking around at other examples of people who use terms like "all people of one certain group are..."

     I was not disappointed.

     As a matter of fact, by the time I had read just a couple of articles...I felt like I had to apologize just for being a middle aged white male.  (All of those are things I can't help...by the way.)  Again...I honestly found it shocking what people think in this day and age.  We are supposed to be the most educated we have been in history...and we probably are.  But there's some logic out there that I  just can't wrap my head around.

     But it wasn't just the misogynists that had my head spinning this time.

     I knew that there are some men who still have the mindset of a Neanderthal.  They are hard to be around and I can't carry on a conversation with them to save my life.  What I found interesting, was the female counterpart to the Neanderthal.

     Enter the Feminist.

     And why wouldn't there be Feminists when women have to live in a world where misogynistic Neanderthal assholes like the one I mentioned above are out there?  One could easily see why the movement formed.  But...like any other movement...extremism in any form isn't really a great thing.

     I read an article by a self proclaimed radical Feminist...or "RadFem."  The title itself had me fired up.  I sat there in horror as I read this RadFem explain that "All PIV is rape, OK?"  (PIV, for those that don't know...is Penis In Vagina sex...intercourse.)  Basically, she explained that sex is violence toward women and just another way that men keep women submissive.   Her logic leads her to the conclusion that all sex is rape, because no woman actually wants such a violent act done to her.

    Uh....wait, what?!?!?!?! 

    At one point in the article, she says that the vagina is for giving birth only.  Maybe my male mind isn't enlightened enough to grasp this...but if the vagina is for giving birth only, and ALL penetrative sex is rape...how does the baby get there in the first place?

    I was raised to understand and respect that "No means no."  I believe it and there is NO REASON EVER that a woman should be forced to have sex if she says no.  I have never had sex with a woman if she has told me no.  I HAVE had sex before...with a real live girl, even.  But, I have never raped anyone!!

    Just to make sure I wasn't being overly defensive on this one...I ran it by a female friend, just to get her perspective.  Her response?

     "That chick is nuts."

     Good...it's not just me.

     Now it makes more sense to me why celebrities like Katy Perry are quick to say they are not Feminists...even though they believe in the equality and empowerment of women.  (Which, pretty much is Feminism in it's most dumbed down form...for slower guys like myself.)  With extreme views like the RadFem above...I wouldn't want to be associated with a movement either, even if at its core...it's right.

    But this stuff is out there.   And anyone can read it.  I have a daughter.  She's at the stage where she and her friends are discovering their personalities and figuring out who they are in this world.  I also have a son, and he and his friends are in the same boat.  I do my best to parent by example and be the person...have the values, that I want my children to carry on into their adult lives.  I pray they never stumble across crap like these social extremists....but that's unrealistic.  So....when they do, I hope I've taught them enough that they question it, or simply see it for what it is...social extremism at its worst.

     Feminism is defined as the theory of the political, economical, and social equality of the sexes and/or organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests.  While I like the first part of the definition better, simply because it leaves less up for interpretation, the fact is that Feminism is a real...legit movement.   It's the social extremists that make us afraid to label ourselves Masculine or Feminist. 

     I believe wholeheartedly in the equal treatment of women....politically, economically, and socially.  I believe that women are the better half of humanity and without them....men would have destroyed the human race long ago.  But I also believe that men should be allowed to be men.  That's not to say they should be allowed to be nasty animals and write it off as 'manly'....not at all.  But don't criticize a man for wanting the fast car, or shooting the big gun, or liking his steak rare...because he's a man. 

     With RadFems and mysoginists abounding on the internet....and the seeming HATE that they spew for the opposite gender, I wonder how they can promote equality when they can't even see it?  I started off wanting to think I could be considered a Feminist, because I do believe in equality.  But after my research...I think I have decided on a new label.

     I'm a HUMANIST. 

     I want all people to be treated equally...regardless of gender, or race (that's another article....already working on it), age, religion, sexual preferance, or any other factors.   I've read what the RadFems say.  I've read what Return of Kings spews.  One movement seeks the equal treatment of women.  The other wants to promote masculinity it men.  Neither of these things are bad.  Both can be done without demeaning the other gender.  Yet when I read what these people have to say, I can't help but wonder...
   
     .....Does anyone know what they really want?

Sarge,
Out

    

Thank God for Disney Villains

     So, there I was, sitting in my chair watching TV and eating my dinner.  The dog was sitting on the floor next to my throne, watching intently and waiting for the smallest of crumbs to fall within her eager reach.  I smiled as I watched Ickey Woods doing his celebratory dance for some cold cuts.  Then the screen changed and my attention was immediately drawn in to the images and the voice on the screen.  It was one of my favorite things...a MOVIE TRAILER!
 
     Anyone that's been to the movies with me knows that one of my favorite parts of actually going to the theater to see the movie....is the previews!  It's like you get four or five mini movies before the movie you are actually there to see.  And yes...I'm that guy who will tell the person I'm with, "That looks bad ass.  It's on the list."  I don't mind talking during the previews...they are not the movie.   I do believe there's a special hell for people that talk or use their cell phones during the actual movie.  It's a dark place, where they force you to watch re-runs of Cop Rock for all eternity.

   But, I digress...back to the topic at hand...  

     I was in my recliner and I was watching the trailer for Nightcrawler, with Jake Gyllenhaal and Renee Russo.  It was touted as  one of Gyllenhaal's most commanding and career defining performances.  The clips that they strung together for that trailer were great.  They did their job well.  I was interested.

Gyllenhaal gives a stunning performance, but the plot of Nightcrawler, left me in the dark.

     I decided to go see Nightcrawler in the theaters.  The trailer was right.  Gyllenhaal gave a powerful performance.  He was interesting to watch and at certain points, I almost felt for the character he played...regardless of how psycho he was.

     Unfortunately...that's where the praise ends. 

     I spent about two hours wondering when the conflict was going to happen.  What was the point to this movie?  I admit, it was intriguing...they hooked me with the strange character and brooding mood of the film.  But once I was hooked in...they failed to reel me in and keep me interested.

     There were moments in the movie that I wanted the story to circle back around to...that I wanted to see "what happened with that" later on.  It never happened.  I will try not to give anything away...but I have to say, the detective in the movie was so bad at her job that it crossed to the realm of unbelievable.  I'm sure there are inept cops out there....but you don't make movies about them. 

     Let's not forget about the stalking/sexual harassment issues that never seem to be fully addressed.  I mean...c'mon!  In this day and age, that plot point alone could have added so much to the story.  But...like much of the plot...it was somewhat glossed over.  Again...I questioned the writing.

     I left the theater disappointed to say the least.  I felt confused, and frustrated.  It was one of those, "Why did I pay to watch that?" kind of moments.  I have to say, I will never consider a movie very good if I walk out with more questions than I walked in with.    A strong character performance, and interesting cinematography are not enough to make up for an aimless plot full of holes and a weak story.

     I had hope though...that cinema wasn't dead.  And a couple weeks later, I went to see another film that seemed well reviewed.  Again, the trailers for it had me curious...for various reasons.  The classic murder mystery with what seemed like a unique twist (according to the trailers)...what's not to love?  So, I was off to see Gone Girl.

     I thought I would take the shot and see Ben Affleck perform in something OTHER than a Kevin Smith flick.  He did well.  As a matter of fact...compared to Nightcrawler, I felt like I was watching a Scorsese masterpiece.  That is, however...ONLY compared to Nightcrawler.  So Gone Girl kept me much more engaged.  I saw an actual story developing.  There were even points when I thought I had it figured out, just to have the story twist and throw me for a loop...questioning my arm chair detective skills.

A pretty good thriller with a twist ending.  The twist...no one liked the ending.

     However, there was a pretty distinct point in the film when I lost the intrigue and got frustrated.  Once again...plot holes started to develop and things started going down hill.  I feel like, where Nightcrawler tried to emphasize the odd character over plot, Gone Girl's mistake was trying to make the twist SO different that it lost the desired effect.  When it feels like the writers are trying too hard, that's when the magic of the movie is gone.  To be lost in the story requires my mind to accept what's happening...or at least be so enthralled that the implausible seems acceptable.

     Perhaps I was being too critical.  Perhaps I'm being too much of a movie snob about this.  But I asked around.  I wasn't the only one that felt that way.  Especially about Gone Girl.  The general consensus was that it was good...but no one liked the way it ended.  I completely agree.

     So I was losing faith in modern cinema.  I contemplated what may be going on.  Is Hollywood trying too hard to shock us?  Are they focusing on the bizarre and not the story itself?  Or are they trying to tell us a story that hasn't been told yet?  Either way...I feel like they are falling short.  For some time now, movies have been hit or miss...and there have been more misses than big hits! I was losing faith in the movies.

     They say that there is no such thing as an original story idea anymore.  I'm not sure I one hundred percent believe that.  But I DO agree that a truly original story is very RARE indeed.  The thing is, I don't have a problem with that.  My philosophy...when it comes to story telling....is not so much the story you tell, but HOW you tell it.  Sure, the idea that is being shared may be as old as stories themselves...but if it's told in a way that captures the imagination and loses the reader/viewer in the story itself...it's a good story.

     And that's what I look for.  I've heard war stories...we've all heard war stories.  But when Saving Private Ryan came out, the world was amazed...because of how that war story was told.  I recently saw Fury, with Brad Pitt...and I feel the same.  This was a well told war story.  I am sure I could relate, having been through the darkness of war myself.  I liked how they focused on the Tank Crew as a family....dysfunctional as they may be...they were a family.  I left the theater feeling like I saw a GOOD, well told story.

Based on a true story, Fury takes you to some dark places in war, with some solidly portrayed stock characters.

     I thought about it, though.  That was a true story (as many war movies are).  So of course it's going to be a bit more solid in the sense of plot and what not.  Character development is often times glossed over in these stories.  I would say that was generally the case in Fury as well.  The characters we meet in the beginning of the movie are the same ones we see as it comes to a close...not much has changed in them.  We didn't get much back story, and we don't see any big epiphany moments.  Save for the young 'rookie' on the crew.  That's where the character development happened for this film.  I feel like it was he and he alone that changed through the movie.

     Still....going into it, knowing it was a true story...I felt like it was generally well done, and made up a little bit for the two previous fiascos I wasted my time with.  It wasn't an original story...but it was told well.

     My faith was restored, however, by the most unlikely of movies.  I know I was more than surprised...pleasantly...by my own reaction to the next movie I saw.  It was exactly what I needed.  A NEW way to tell an old story.  Well written, with amazing character development.  And of course, the cinematography was gorgeous.

     I watched...and was enthralled...as I found myself rooting for one of the most infamous villains in fairy tale history.  I wasn't cheering for the prince...I was wholeheartedly cheering for Maleficent!

     We all know the story.  Upon her birth, the young Princess Aurora, AKA Sleeping Beauty, was bestowed with gifts by fairies.  Enter Maleficent...the evil sorceress who was jealous that she wasn't invited to the party.  She curses Aurora....the curse takes effect....Aurora is saved by Prince Phillip, after a battle with Maleficent.  They all live happily ever after.

    But....is that how it all really happened?

Pure evil personified.  But did we ever think about WHY she was that way?

     Maleficent takes a look at that classic tale of Sleeping Beauty from the perspective of the villain.  I loved the concept.  I loved the development.  How did Maleficent become such a horrible, cold, and evil person that she would curse a BABY?  And...if the story isn't quite how we know it...what is the true ending?

     Disney nailed it on this one.  They hit all the points.  Character development, story telling, creativity, and cinematography.  For a self proclaimed sci-fi and action movie junkie...I was shocked that I liked it so much.  But what Maleficent did...what they did right....was simply tell a really good story.  Again...it wasn't anything new.  We know that story.  But the way they told it...was simply amazing.

Everyone has a story....even the most despicable of Villains.

     Movies are meant to entertain.  They are an escape.  Movies bring families together for a couple hours, or get friends out of the house for an evening.  Perhaps Hollywood needs to remember that it's not the special effects, or the surprise endings, or the shock factor that brings us to the movies.  All they need to do, is tell a good story.

     All the special effects, all the twist endings, all the crazy characters are lost...if the story is just not told very well.  It's a shame that such talented actors can give such strong performances that, due to a poorly written script, are over shadowed by lack of plot or poor story telling.

     In a world of Hollywood thrillers and blockbusters, edge of your seat action and strange characters, all I have to say is...Thank God for Disney Villains.

Sarge,
Out

Watching Other People Live Their Lives

     So I'm sitting in Starbucks. Right now, as I type this. I just came from an mixed emotional morning watching the Punk play football. He rocked it...scoring three touchdowns and leading his team to a 20-0 victory. 

     The other part was that the Ex was there.  It's been six months since we have spoken to each other or seen each other outside of a courthouse. 

     I was thrilled to see my son play.  But, Just the sight of the Ex gets me feeling some kind of way about life in general.  So...I decided after the game, to come here and have a cuppa joe.  It's my daytime equivalent of cracking open a cold one. 

I love hanging out here.  Normally it would be with my friend, Nice Guy Bobby. There has, sadly, been some distance between us lately.  So I'm at the Spot solo.  

Normally, The Nice Guy and I would sit...drink coffee...and just people watch, while finding any number of random things to discuss.  This practice became known as Shimming and Shamming.  And we were pros.  

Today, I needed to shake off the feeling that I had after spending an hour and a half with my Ex within line of sight. Funny how we retreat to the familiar when things get uncertain around us.  

     I ordered my usual and took a seat in one of the comfy leather chairs by the window. It was at that point that I decided to fall into one of my comfort zones.  

     I started watching, observing...seeing what I could see around me.   The people have been flowing in and out in a steady stream since I sat down. And I am not disappointed.  

     After about half an hour of watching, it occurred to me...I am almost shimming and shamming...all by myself.  I just need someone to talk to.  

     That's where you all come in. 

     I pulled out my trusty phone and started snapping pictures.  

     People fascinate me.  The diversity of the clientele makes for an interesting time for a guy who loves just observing.  It's even more fun for a guy who likes to write about what he observes. 

     There was the girl who had her nose to her phone the entire time she sat there.  (Says the guy eyeball deep as he types a blog post on his phone!)  it honestly made me wonder what was so interesting on her screen.  

     I observed the older patrons.  The old man waiting for his wife as she ordered.  I think he was people watching just as much as I was.  There was also the old guy by the window reading his paper.  

     I couldn't help but chuckle out loud at the guy walking in, mirrored sunglasses remaining firmly in place over his eyes (which is where they stayed the whole time...). Note...it's cloudy and rainy today.  He ordered and took at seat at the bar and proceeded to smoke his electronic vapor inhaler thingamahoochy as he continued to protect his eyes from harmful UV Rays.  People like this will henceforth be referred to as "Chads."

     I'd like to explain why there is not a picture of this Chad.  

     Chads are an epidemic that have been plaguing this nation for decades.  It all started When the first collar was popped on a polo shirt, and now continues as Chads wear their sunglasses indoors, or park directly under the NO PARKING sign because they are going to "just run in real quick."  

     I, for one, would like to see Chads put to an end.  Therefore, while the picture would have been entertaining...as you can almost SEE his ego oozing off of him...I cannot in good conscience promote or glorify such heinous creatures.  I feel I have already given too much attention to this particular Chad.  

     So...moving on....

     There are the college kids, all studying or doing homework on their laptops.  The crowd that just finished a session of yoga or Pilates or whatever the current fitness trend is, came in and ordered their skinny lates and frapes. 

     I watched them all, and for a while...I forgot my own issues and frustrations.  I got lost in the "what if's" and the "why's" of who they were or might be.  

     As odd as it may sound, it felt good to see that life was happening all around me. That things were normal...or as normal as they can be in our twisted little world.  It surprised me that I felt this way, but I decided to go with it.  

     It just re-assured me that the world is still going to be here when the dust settles.  That normal doesn't stop...sometimes is just changes.  The Spot used to be something I did with my best friend.  I learned today that while I may not hang with him as much, I can still enjoy the things I always have.  

     The "new normal" may take a little getting used to. But it's not as scary as I thought it would be. I found my comfort zone, again.  

     All it took was a few moments to breathe, and check out life around me.  It's amazing what you can find out about yourself when you're watching other people live their lives.  

Sarge,

Out

A Change of Heart and a Change of Mind

"Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room
Calling my name and I follow just to find you
I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather
And I've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause
I frozen time between hearses and caskets
Lost control when I panicked at the acid test

"I wanna get better

"While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind 'cause the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars,

Hey, I wanna get better!

"I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better"

-Bleechers, I wanna get better.

   
     One of the hardest things I have had to do recently, is to step back and really take a look at myself.
Changes needed to be made.  And, if you've ever tried it then you know for a fact, that change is one of the hardest things to do.  Especially change within one's self.

     Things in my life looked good.  Well, on the outside, at least.  I was married.  I have two kids.  I was in a great position at work doing some really cool stuff in the War on Terror.  To anyone looking at my life from the outside, things looked pretty great.  What no one could see, was how much pain I was actually in.

     Something had to change.
   

Well said, Socrates...well said.

     The problem was, like so many of us, I feared change.  I feared change to the point of inaction.  And that was my downfall.  I knew things needed to change.  I knew I couldn't go on much longer in my situation the way it was.  But fear is a powerful deterrent and it worked it's paralyzing magic on me.    

     I wanted things to be different.  I wanted things to be how I imagined they would be in my head 16 years ago when I asked her to marry me.  And despite what some people may think, I tried.  I tried damn hard to make things right...to make them as good as I thought they could be.  And, it worked, sometimes.

     They say hind sight is 20/20.  They (whoever They are) are all damn geniuses.

     If I could see things the way they were...as they happened, perhaps I wouldn't be where I am now.  Then again....using my hind sight, I see now that the success...or failure...of a relationship takes two...no matter how hard one of them is trying.

     I've mentioned in previous posts about how I've made mistakes.  I own that fact.  I am working to change that and not make the same mistakes again.   But I didn't start out that way...making mistakes, I mean.  It took a long a time to get there.

     You see, I'm a people pleaser.  I like to try to make everyone happy all the time.  The more I care about you, the more I try.  Even at the cost of my own wants, needs and happiness.  I hated to hurt anyone that I cared about.  I would find myself saying whatever people wanted to hear, just to make sure they were happy...or at least not upset with me.

     That was one of my worst mistakes.  Saying what I thought people wanted to hear, instead of telling them the hard truth that may hurt...led me down a path that I couldn't turn back from.  It became the norm to gloss over things.  Glossing over things turned to denials.  Denials turned to lies.

     Lies are never good.

     I'm not sure how, but I was such a people pleaser that when I DID try to tell her how I felt...that I wasn't happy, or that I needed things to change...I found myself apologizing.  Somehow, the conversation...about how I was feeling....about the things I needed changed or at least discussed....always turned into an argument about how that made HER feel like a bad person.  The end result...I apologized for making her upset with my feelings or concerns...and the conversation was over.

     The other thing hind sight showed me is that I...that we....fell into patterns.  Ups and downs...the roller coaster of life.  I would explain that I thought things needed changed.  Then...I would apologize for feeling that way and making her feel like a bad person.  Things would get better for a while....until she felt like they were good again...and then they would go back to how they were before the conversations.  The amount of time that things stayed good varied.  At first...it was a year or so, then it digressed until the 'we need to get better' conversation happened about once a month.

     When I say that things would get bad, I mean I would feel like I didn't matter.  I would be made to feel like I was not even wanted in my own house.  While a marriage isn't about sex...the physical side is a good barometer for how things are going.  When it was at the point that we would go MONTHS without so much as touching one another....that's a problem.  Emotionally, I was being slowly killed.

     At several points along the way, I asked for us to get help. One thing I learned from my time in Iraq...more specifically, my time AFTER Iraq...is that therapy works!  So, based on the success of my PTSD therapy after I got back...I asked for us to go to couple's counseling.

     She refused.  Every time I asked, she said no.  Eventually....that sent the message that she didn't want to try....that we weren't worth it.

     While all this was happening...my job was also beginning to weigh on me.  I was not happy there.  I was being treated poorly at work, and at home.  My stress levels were skyrocketing and my stress relief was all but nil.  I worked longer hours...often times just staying in the office even if I didn't have work to do...just so I didn't have to go home and feel unwanted there.  My hobby....writing, and being creative with my friends....also went away.  I didn't even have that to look forward to anymore.

      I felt alone.  I felt worthless.  I was spiraling downward into a dark place, and I couldn't see it.  My friends could see it.  Some of them even tried to reach out to me.  I couldn't see them.  My co workers could see it.  I was blind to their concerns as well.   I am not sure if my ex saw it...but if she did...she never said anything.  I wold say I was unhappy....all I would get was, "I know you're not happy.  I hope that it gets better."  Maybe she didn't know WHAT to say....but that wasn't it.

     I retreated within myself.  I pushed every good thing I had in my life away.  I tried to throw myself into the kids' activities.  I never missed a basketball game, or a swim practice.  But I did choose to stay at work, or away from the house longer than I had to....to avoid feeling like I didn't belong in my own home.  I didn't want my kids to see me this way.

     That's when mistakes happened.  Mistakes that hurt a lot of people and ultimately ended my marriage.  (Though...looking back...I think it ended well before we stopped living together.)

     Perspective changes things.

     It was cold.  It was hard.  Rock bottom is a desolate place.  To find one's self there is an often surprising, and sobering moment.  As I lay on my back....at the lowest point in my life...I looked up at the wreckage of what I left behind.  Every relationship I have ever had was gone...at least they would not be the same after this.  I lost everything.  I was more alone that I ever had been.  I couldn't go any lower.  I found...much to my disliking...that jail greatly changes one's perspective.

    And that's when it hit me.  It wasn't just THINGS that needed to change.

     I needed to change myself.


     I was determined to change ME.  I knew I couldn't do it alone.  If I was to be the man I needed to be for any of the friends that I may have left....for my kids....for myself, I needed help with this.

     Many, many hours of therapy have taught me a lot in the last six months.  A lot about myself.  A lot about my situation.  It's hard.  It's not easy to look at yourself and see the real you...and decide to do something about it.  But it's worth it.

     I am worth it.

     The fact that I just said that is significant.  Mostly because I didn't have any self worth six months ago.  The first thing I learned was that I had to change my mind....about myself.  I had to stop letting the way others made me feel dictate my self worth.  I also had to change the idea that my mistakes defined who I was.  YES, I made a mistake.  NO, that mistake is not who I am.

    It takes work.  but through all of this...through the mistakes, and the low points...even through the bad choices, I've had a good heart.  Yes, it was broken, and a bit cynical.  But my heart always had the best of intentions, even though my actions weren't always the best.  I needed to get past the breaks in my heart...to see that my mind needed to be changed.  My heart needed to change...so that my mindset about everything else could change as well.  And because I change heart, I am able to change my mindset...to see me for ME, not for who SHE made me FEEL like I was.

     What I am finding through all of this, however...is that a bitter, cruel heart...the one that does things out of anger...that will prevent one's mind from changing.  A heart that wants only revenge, only bad things to happen....is a very dangerous thing. Her heart is so blinded by anger and rage, that it is dictating all of her actions.  
  
     I am working to change myself...so I don't make the same mistakes again.  So that someday I can be happy and have the relationship I have dreamed of.  I know my heart is in the right place.  My heart has forgiven her for the role she played in the failure of our marriage.  That has freed my mind to change for the better as well. 
  
     I worry about her...my ex.  I know I hurt her.  I know she's angry.  And she has every right to be.  But, I worry that change won't come for her.  It's very easy for her to place all the blame on me in our situation.  She doesn't see that she needs to change as well.  And she won't put in the work in order to change.  Because a cold, hard heart....won't allow change.  That's the hardest thing to see...and without putting in the work to change....happiness will always be just out of reach.

      It took hitting rock bottom for me.  Everyone is different.  Maybe it won't take that level of pain...of darkness...for everyone.  But if you find yourself needing change...and you're willing to put in the work...start with your heart.  As desperate as things may feel....if you are willing to work for it,  you can have a change of heart....and a change of mind.

Sarge,
Out.

The Modern Caveman

     He moved into position and readied himself…mind focused, eyes sharp.  His heart beat in his chest and he slowed his breathing as he cleared his head of any and all distractions.  What happened in the next few moments meant the difference between life and death.  In just a matter of seconds, he would either prove that he was the man he claimed to be, or he would fail…and possibly lose everything he had ever worked for.

     The moment loomed before him.  As he moved, life slowed.  His entire existence hinged on this.  He leapt into action…springing forth in a swift assault.  His bare feet gripped the soft ground beneath him as he pushed his body weight forward and up.  He twisted, and jerked his arm forward, launching a hand carved spear as he exhaled.  His eyes watched, took in every detail of the next few seconds.  The flight of the spear on its trajectory…the sound of the air around him rushing past his ears as he launched himself….the sweat from his face trickling over his lip, and into his mouth…The muscles of his prey, rippling under its skin as it raced to retreat from this primal hunter.

     And as quickly as it started, it was over.  He stood over his quarry, now lying lifeless at his feet.  Removing his hand carved spear, he looks around.  He is alone with his prize.  But it’s not a thing for sport…he did not kill this animal for the sake of killing…his job was just beginning….

     She looked up as her children squealed and ran past her.  She stood, and watched them run to him.  He approached, skin dark from the sun and covered in dirt.  He dragged behind him the spoils of his hunt.  Without a word, he began to cut the carcass…butcher it and give it to his woman, his children.  His kill would keep them fed for some time…and clothed as well.  The pelt would serve to make clothes or shoes, while the bones would be used for tools or weapons.  He was the provider, the protector…he was the Caveman.

     I like to think that we’ve evolved a lot from those days…that the need to simply meet base needs is not ALL that drives us.  While we as the human race will always work to provide ourselves with the basic needs, our means of doing so have come a LONG way.  Along with such change comes a changing of roles.  Men are not just the hunters and protectors, women no longer only gather and birth children.  But while we have come a long way…I still find that I look to the Caveman at times and think, “He got some things right.”
     
     First of all, Cavemen have the word in their name…MEN.  They were men in the strictest sense of the word.  They were hunters, protectors, meat eating alpha males who provided for their tribes and kept them safe.  Failure to do so meant the death of the tribe or the family.  It was literally a matter of life and death on a daily basis.

     In a world of 'survival of the fittest', the Caveman had to be fearless...had to be violent...had to be the primal man.  His home was constantly threatened by dangerous animals, harsh environments, and other Cavemen that wanted what he had.  His life was hard and in order to survive, he had to be harder than his life.

     When it came to the family or tribe, it was his way or no way at all.  He knew how to survive and he led his tribe specifically for that purpose.  He dictated; he ruled his domain.  And...in that time, it was not only acceptable....it was necessary.

     Today, the Modern Caveman is faced with many of the same challenges of the original Caveman. He faces dangerous animals in the form of terrible drivers, cut-throat co-workers, and bosses from hell. His harsh environments are his workplace, the bar, or just a night out on the town.  And of course, other Cavemen continue to threaten to take what is his.

     And, there are aspects of the Caveman that we cling to still today.  The Modern Caveman is still a hunter.  He still has his single minded focus as he sets out on the hunt.  When the Modern Caveman sets his mind to something....he will not stop until it is his.  He will work tirelessly to attain the job he wants, or save every penny for the car of his dreams...or spend every free moment of his time to see his dreams come to fruition.

     The Modern Caveman will protect what is his.  He will spend hours washing, and waxing his car to the perfect shine.  He will defend his home, his domain...his cave...to the death, or at least install a state of the art security system.  And many times, when the Modern Caveman is threatened...he will fight back.  Alas, many of the Modern Cavemen I see are quick to anger, and sadly....perhaps too quick.

     What can cause such an evolved creature as the Modern Caveman to revert to his primal nature and be so quick to anger?  What can cause the primal Caveman to surface when he has progressed so far in so many other aspects of his life?  There are many things....but among them...one stands above them all.  It is a simple answer that is more complex than life itself.  It has started wars, crumbled nations, and pitted brother against brother for all of time.

     That reason...is Woman.

     When we think of the Caveman, and his interaction with the Cave-woman, it conjures images of a club carrying Neanderthal hitting a woman over the head and dragging her back to his cave.  While I agree that he may have lacked as certain finesse with the ladies…I will say that the Caveman’s treatment of women was rooted in the right place.  Am I saying you should go out and club the prettiest girl you see over the head and try to drag her back to your place? Hell no.  What do you think I am…a Caveman?  When I talk about his treatment of women, I’m talking more about his attitudes toward them.  The “WHY” behind how he viewed the creature that is woman.

      

     To the Caveman, the woman was a beautiful and magical creature.  She kept the home while he was out hunting.  She created life.  She raised the children.  Where the Caveman was so focused and skilled at the hunt and the protection of his woman, She had the ability to multitask…to show compassion, to be the heart of the tribe.  These were things the Caveman knew he needed but could not posses without her.  Therefore, he cherished his woman.  And he would do anything to provide for her and protect her.

      

     That’s the part he had right…the cherishing.  I think it’s something the modern Caveman doesn’t do enough.  We hunt.  We focus on the prize…the goal.  And more often than not, today’s Caveman sees the Woman as the prize itself.  In doing so…when he gets the prize…he no longer puts the effort into her.  He doesn’t cherish her as the Caveman cherished his woman.

     So what does it all mean?  It means that deep down...we all have a little Caveman still lurking inside us.  I don't see it as something to be ashamed of.  I think we should embrace the fact that we are Modern Cavemen.  Be strong...be a man.  Go get what you want....hunt it down until it is yours...and if you're lucky enough to have a woman in your life...cherish your woman.  Because let's face it....without women, we are just a bunch of Modern Cavemen.

Sarge,
Out