As I sat at the table in the restaurant, trying to enjoy my five dollar endless pizza buffet, I did what I normally do and watched the freak show of life happening around me. As usual, I was highly entertained and, at times, greatly disturbed. I watched all the patrons as they tried to navigate 25 feet of all you can eat pizza bar with no clear rules to govern exactly how this should be done. As one group of particularly obnoxious teenagers made their way from a booth....across the restaurant...to the buffet line and back, I began to think.
As I was walking through the store, looking for some deodorant or toothpaste…or some other mundane, yet necessary item, I noticed a child walking down one of the isles. A woman, whom I assumed belonged to said child, was not far behind him pushing a cart. This child, maybe 5 or 6 years old…tops, would step in front of other shoppers and just stop. He would squeeze his way in front of someone looking at an item because he wanted to see what was there. He was barking orders down the aisle to his mom (I figured out it was his mother when he kept screaming, “Mama, I said hurry up!” or “Mama, you have to buy me ‘dis.”) All the while, she would see him acting like this…pushing people and being generally obnoxious, and didn’t say a word to him about it. And once again, I began to think.
An elementary school teacher who works in a lower income school has a sign on her wall that reads “Mine’s is not a word.” She is entrusted with educating our future. We leave it in her hands to ensure that the next generation is capable of continuing our existence as the mightiest nation on the planet…or, at least teaching them enough that they don’t burn the place down. Her assistant principal sees the sign and tells her she needs to remove it. When the teacher asks why, she is told, “It is not appropriate to correct them on their DIALECT because that’s just what they hear at home.” This one really got me thinking.
And I came up with what it is that connects all these stories. There was something that was bothering me about them. Individually it was hard to see. But, when I put them all together and look at the bigger picture, I can see clearly what it is that was just getting to me the most about all this.
We are raising a Nation of Assholes.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying we all have to walk around with smiles on our faces and give a good “How do you do?” to everyone we see. Frankly, I think that would be worse. No…what I mean is that we’ve failed to prepare future generations for the real world. It’s our own fault that America is doomed to be populated…almost entirely…with assholes.
I think the main issue comes down to parents, teachers, administrators…those of us that should be molding our children for the future…are simply so afraid of ‘ruining’ our kids, that we have forgotten how to say, “No.” Or in the case of many teachers I know, they are not supported when they do say "No." It’s a simple word…and one that I heard a hell of a lot growing up, and I think I turned alright…for the most part.
We are so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings…hurting our kids feelings…that we haven’t prepared them for the real world. We are making them soft, whiny, self entitled pains in the ass who think the world is a nice place where you always get your way. And they are going to suffer for it. What do I mean? I mean, the real world sucks. People are not nice. The rules aren’t always fair. Not everyone wins all the time. Sometimes good enough isn’t good enough. And sometimes…just sometimes we are told “NO” and we are expected to simply deal with it.
Whether it's because today's parents don't tell their kids "no" or school administrators won't discipline children who do something wrong even though the teachers try, there's a problem. And the biggest issue is that no one is thinking of the long term effects this has on how tomorrow's assholes interact with society. What is being developed is a sense of entitlement, a lack of respect for any type of authority, and a false sense that they are never wrong.
I look at the examples I used above and I realize that there are a ton of others just like them that I haven't even heard yet. But the story is always the same. And the long term effects are rarely considered.
For example, I was talking to a friend of mine about this topic. His wife taught middle school in an inner city public school. She wanted to take pictures of some of the class as they did activities, so she took her camera to work. At lunch, she left it in her desk, in the back of the bottom drawer. When she came back from lunch, the camera was gone. It took two weeks before they figured out a sixth grade student had taken it. She had gone into the classroom at lunch to use the bathroom and then decided to have a look around and see what she thought looked better in her bag than where it was.
What did the administration do about this? Nothing. They told the teacher that they weren't going to punish the student, because she didn't think it was stealing because 'white people are rich and she could just buy a new one.' I have just one question about this whole thing.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?
OK, so we just taught this young lady that it's ok to just take what you want...there won't be any consequences for any of the terrible things you do, because you just didn't know better....and your belief in stereotypes completely justifies criminal behavior. What do we do when this same girl is 19 or 20 years old and decides she wants some white lady's car? What's to stop her from taking it because she figures that the white lady can just buy a new one? It is completely mind boggling that no one thought this one even just a few years beyond this incident!
There are countless examples of students in schools breaking the rules or committing damn near criminal acts and when the teacher tries to discipline that student...either the administration says they can't or the student's own parents tell them they don't have to listen to the teacher. Both the administration and the parents have removed the power from the teachers "No." The students...our future....are being taught that they don't have to listen to the rules. Because even it they do break them, and there are consequences, they probably won't be enforced.
So, am I saying that we are doomed to exist in a word of criminal degenerates and self serving thugs? Not so much. Sure, there are a couple of disturbing examples and the plausible long term effects are concerning. But I don't think that the bulk of society is going to go for the thug life. What I do believe is that this same behavior...this same lack of consequences or sense of accountability...can lead to young adults who are NOT ready for the real world.
When they are raised in an environment of no consequences, or not being told "No", they are not prepared to hear it in the real world. We stopped giving kids "F's" as letter grades because it may damage their self esteem. So we changed the grades to "E's". What happens when enough student's feelings get hurt because they got "E's" on their report card? Are we going to change the letter again and over look the fact that failing is failing and it happens in the world?
We've gotten so scared of damaging our kids self esteem that we try to 'protect them' from everything! The reality is...one day they will be out there on their own...and something is going to disappoint them. Someone is going to tell them they aren't accepted for a job, or they didn't make a team, or they simply aren't good enough. That's GOING to happen. And it's going to suck. It's going to hurt. It will be painful. And we won't be there to protect them from it. The kids that I have talked about in this article, will not be prepared for it...because they aren't living in a reality based world. They do not see rules as something that apply to them or consequences something they should fear. They are therefore not ready for that kind of disappointment or pain.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we should put every kid in the state penn for every little offense. I'm not saying that we should expect kids not to make mistakes or screw up. But I think when they do, we need to show them what to expect. Tell them "No"...give them consequences for the things they do wrong. Allow them to fail...but then show them how to overcome that failure. Then it won't be such a shock when they get out in the real world and they are treated like an asshole because they acted like one.
I don't know. Is there an easy answer? Probably not. But I know that kids...people in general...are resilient. We bounce back. Failure and consequences are things from which we can draw some extremely useful life lessons. So when you are worried that you are going to break little Timmy's heart because you said he can't have ice cream when he didn't finish his dinner, just think about how telling him "No" in that moment will get him used to hearing it. So...when he gets older and he is up for a promotion...and doesn't get it, he knows that he can get through this. Just like he survived not getting his ice cream. Just stop and think about their life down the road...on their own...and realize that it's ok to say "No."
Sarge,
Out
