It's ok to say no

   

     As I sat at the table in the restaurant, trying to enjoy my five dollar endless pizza buffet, I did what I normally do and watched the freak show of life happening around me.  As usual, I was highly entertained and, at times, greatly disturbed.  I watched all the patrons as they tried to navigate 25 feet of all you can eat pizza bar with no clear rules to govern exactly how this should be done.  As one group of particularly obnoxious teenagers made their way from a booth....across the restaurant...to the buffet line and back, I began to think.

     As I was walking through the store, looking for some deodorant or toothpaste…or some other mundane, yet necessary item, I noticed a child walking down one of the isles.  A woman, whom I assumed belonged to said child, was not far behind him pushing a cart.  This child, maybe 5 or 6 years old…tops, would step in front of other shoppers and just stop.  He would squeeze his way in front of someone looking at an item because he wanted to see what was there.  He was barking orders down the aisle to his mom (I figured out it was his mother when he kept screaming, “Mama, I said hurry up!” or “Mama, you have to buy me ‘dis.”)  All the while, she would see him acting like this…pushing people and being generally obnoxious, and didn’t say a word to him about it.  And once again, I began to think.

     An elementary school teacher who works in a lower income school has a sign on her wall that reads “Mine’s is not a word.”  She is entrusted with educating our future.  We leave it in her hands to ensure that the next generation is capable of continuing our existence as the mightiest nation on the planet…or, at least teaching them enough that they don’t burn the place down.  Her assistant principal sees the sign and tells her she needs to remove it.  When the teacher asks why, she is told, “It is not appropriate to correct them on their DIALECT because that’s just what they hear at home.”  This one really got me thinking.

     And I came up with what it is that connects all these stories.  There was something that was bothering me about them.  Individually it was hard to see.  But, when I put them all together and look at the bigger picture, I can see clearly what it is that was just getting to me the most about all this.

     We are raising a Nation of Assholes.

     Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying we all have to walk around with smiles on our faces and give a good “How do you do?” to everyone we see.  Frankly, I think that would be worse.  No…what I mean is that we’ve failed to prepare future generations for the real world.  It’s our own fault that America is doomed to be populated…almost entirely…with assholes.

     I think the main issue comes down to parents, teachers, administrators…those of us that should be molding our children for the future…are simply so afraid of ‘ruining’ our kids, that we have forgotten how to say, “No.”  Or in the case of many teachers I know, they are not supported when they do say "No."  It’s a simple word…and one that I heard a hell of a lot growing up, and I think I turned alright…for the most part. 

     We are so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings…hurting our kids feelings…that we haven’t prepared them for the real world.  We are making them soft, whiny, self entitled pains in the ass who think the world is a nice place where you always get your way.  And they are going to suffer for it.  What do I mean?  I mean, the real world sucks.  People are not nice.  The rules aren’t always fair.  Not everyone wins all the time.  Sometimes good enough isn’t good enough.  And sometimes…just sometimes we are told “NO” and we are expected to simply deal with it.

     Whether it's because today's parents don't tell their kids "no" or school administrators won't discipline children who do something wrong even though the teachers try, there's a problem. And the biggest issue is that no one is thinking of the long term effects this has on how tomorrow's assholes interact with society.  What is being developed is a sense of entitlement, a lack of respect for any type of authority, and a false sense that they are never wrong. 

     I look at the examples I used above and I realize that there are a ton of others just like them that I haven't even heard yet.  But the story is always the same.  And the long term effects are rarely considered.  

     For example, I was talking to a friend of mine about this topic.  His wife taught middle school in an inner city public school.  She wanted to take pictures of some of the class as they did activities, so she took her camera to work.  At lunch, she left it in her desk, in the back of the bottom drawer.  When she came back from lunch, the camera was gone.  It took two weeks before they figured out a sixth grade student had taken it.  She had gone into the classroom at lunch to use the bathroom and then decided to have a look around and see what she thought looked better in her bag than where it was.   

   

     What did the administration do about this?  Nothing.  They told the teacher that they weren't going to punish the student, because she didn't think it was stealing because 'white people are rich and she could just buy a new one.'  I have just one question about this whole thing.

     ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?

     OK, so we just taught this young lady that it's ok to just take what you want...there won't be any consequences for any of the terrible things you do, because you just didn't know better....and your belief in stereotypes completely justifies criminal behavior.  What do we do when this same girl is 19 or 20 years old and decides she wants some white lady's car?  What's to stop her from taking it because she figures that the white lady can just buy a new one?  It is completely mind boggling that no one thought this one even just a few years beyond this incident!

     There are countless examples of students in schools breaking the rules or committing damn near criminal acts and when the teacher tries to discipline that student...either the administration says they can't or the student's own parents tell them they don't have to listen to the teacher.  Both the administration and the parents have removed the power from the teachers "No."  The students...our future....are being taught that they don't have to listen to the rules.  Because even it they do break them, and there are consequences, they probably won't be enforced.

     So, am I saying that we are doomed to exist in a word of criminal degenerates and self serving thugs?  Not so much.  Sure, there are a couple of disturbing examples and the plausible long term effects are concerning.  But I don't think that the bulk of society is going to go for the thug life.  What I do believe is that this same behavior...this same lack of consequences or sense of accountability...can lead to young adults who are NOT ready for the real world.  

     When they are raised in an environment of no consequences, or not being told "No", they are not prepared to  hear it in the real world.  We stopped giving kids "F's" as letter grades because it may damage their self esteem.  So we changed the grades to "E's".  What happens when enough student's feelings get hurt because they got "E's" on their report card?  Are we going to change the letter again and over look the fact that failing is failing and it happens in the world?  

     We've gotten so scared of damaging our kids self esteem that we try to 'protect them' from everything!  The reality is...one day they will be out there on their own...and something is going to disappoint them.  Someone is going to tell them they aren't accepted for a job, or they didn't make a team, or they simply aren't good enough.  That's GOING to happen.   And it's going to suck.  It's going to hurt.  It will be painful.  And we won't be there to protect them from it.  The kids that I have talked about in this article, will not be prepared for it...because they aren't living in a reality based world.  They do not see rules as something that apply to them or consequences something they should fear.  They are therefore not ready for that kind of disappointment or pain. 

    Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying we should put every kid in the state penn for every little offense.  I'm not saying that we should expect kids not to make mistakes or screw up.  But I think when they do, we need to show them what to expect.  Tell them "No"...give them consequences for the things they do wrong.  Allow them to fail...but then show them how to overcome that failure.  Then it won't be such a shock when they get out in the real world and they are treated like an asshole because they acted like one.  

     I don't know.  Is there an easy answer?  Probably not.  But I know that kids...people in general...are resilient.  We bounce back.  Failure and consequences are things from which we can draw some extremely useful life lessons.  So when you are worried that you are going to break little Timmy's heart because you said he can't have ice cream when he didn't finish his dinner, just think about how telling him "No" in that moment will get him used to hearing it.  So...when he gets older and he is up for a promotion...and doesn't get it, he knows that he can get through this. Just like he survived not getting his ice cream.  Just stop and think about their life down the road...on their own...and realize that it's ok to say "No."

Sarge,

Out

Changing the way we see things.

     We've all seen it.  A conversation is happening...well, at least half a conversation is happening.   Someone is trying to tell someone else something that could possibly change their lives forever.  The messenger is excited, perhaps, to share an event in their lives...or maybe has some tragic news.  And the intended receiver of the message wouldn't have a clue...because they are nose deep in their phone, iPod, tablet or some other mobile computing device.  Maybe it's happened to you before.  And maybe...just maybe...you've even been guilty of it yourself.

     The truth is, we all tend to live in our own little worlds.  But the mobile technology component, that's just a small part of the problem.  Man is supposed to be a social creature.  Somehow in the history of mankind the 'social' aspect of our being has changed to the point where it's almost lost.  By definition, 'social' is:

     

so·cial

 [soh-shuhl] 

adjective

1.

pertaining to, devoted to, or characterized by friendly companionship or relations: a social club.

2.

seeking or enjoying the companionship of others; friendly;sociable; gregarious.

3.

of, pertaining to, connected with, or suited to polite or fashionable society: a social event.

4.

living or disposed to live in companionship with others or in a community, rather than in isolation: People are social beings.

5.

of or pertaining to human society, especially as a body divided into classes according to status: social rank.

     I think from everything I've seen in this world, MAYBE one of those definitions works for mankind these days.  There is definitely a social rank system in this world.  For the most part, those who observe it...are really making up for something else missing in their lives.  

     I know...by now, you're probably thinking...that I need to get to the point.  Fine...let's get to it, then.

     First of all, I'm going to address technology's role in the death of Social Man.

     I'm not going to lie to you.  I am, admittedly, addicted to my phone.  It is my connection to the world...to my friends and family.  It has my music on it for while I'm driving.  I can pull up Netflix and watch my favorite shows while I'm relaxing at the pool. As a matter of fact, I'm typing this blog entry on a mobile device right now.  Yeah... I am completely attached to my mobile gadgets.

    The thing is, I'm fully aware of...and acknowledge my addiction. There are others out there that are with me. That said, I try to control the addiction in situations when it's either inappropriate or unsafe.  (Granted, your definition of unsafe and mine may differ greatly!) Still, I try to control my addiction.

     Under most circumstances, I don't care one way or another if you are nose deep in your phone in public.  That's one less annoying person I have to try not to make eye contact with, and when I do....there's the awkward head nod/half smile thing....which is returned with nothing but a blank stare anyway! At which point I want to throw heavy things at their heads.

     My problem with the mobile addiction is when I'm doing 65 miles an hour on a four lane highway, and the Escalade next to me suddenly drifts over into my lane....on top of me.  After slamming my brakes and dodging a 6,000 pound stray bullet, I look at the driver with my "angry eyes."  Of course, they are too busy to notice that they almost just made a Sarge Pancake...because they are chatting away on the phone!  Yep...that urge to throw things comes real fast in that moment.

     Other times, that technology turns out to be a danger only to ourselves.  How many of us have seen Internet videos of some poor idiot walking down the street, face buried in their phone....and they fall into a fountain, or  through an open manhole in the sidewalk?  In my opinion...there aren't enough!  I could watch those things all day!  But, seriously....what's so important that you HAVE to disregard everything else in the world around you?  I mean, was that text worth taking a nose dive into a public fountain in the middle of a crowded mall?  I don't know....but I enjoyed watching it...over and over.  If you happen to live in a cave and have never seen it, go ahead....have a chuckle.  http://youtu.be/bGpVpsaItpU

     It's not only technology that dictates all of our time and attention.  There are a LOT of people out there, that just live in their own world.  I don't know how it happens...I don't know where the disconnect occurs...but there's something that happens in some people's brains that causes them to completely disregard the world around them.  They aren't actively rude.  They aren't mean by nature.  They just really don't seem to be aware that other people exist around them.  And it can be completely maddening.

     Another example...that, sadly takes place in the car, again...happened the other morning on my way to work.  I was doing my normal 75 miles an hour in the center lane of a three lane highway.  I had other cars all around me, and was just going with the flow of traffic.  That is, until I found my forward progress stalled by a slow moving BMW in front of me.  Frustrated because I couldn't go around this car with all the other vehicles around me, I waited until a break in the traffic allowed me to pass.  As I passed this slow moving BMW, I glanced over to see who was so oblivious that they didn't realize that they were literally being passed left and right.  There she was...leaned over to the center of her car, with the rear view mirror turned towards her....applying her eye liner as she drove 50 miles an hour down the highway!  I'm not talking about glancing in the mirror for a second in between moments of actually driving her car.  NO....this brilliant asset to society had both hands on her FACE, staring in the rear view!  I am still astounded by this.

     OK, so let's assume that this lapse in reality occurred because the woman in question was alone in her car.  Though I don't agree with it, I guess I can see how being isolated in one's car can make them feel like there's no one else around.  But what happens in these people's brains when they are in a a social setting and surrounded by other people, face to face...and they still can't see past their own little world?  This can be even more mind boggling than when someone is distracted by their phone.  

     Imagine, if you will, a man on vacation with his family.  They are enjoying the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios theme park in Orlando.  The kids wanted to get souvenir Wands from the wand cart...so Dad is there helping them pick their wands.  As he is holding a wand in his hand, a woman walks up.  She see the wand he is holding....and proceeds to remove it from his hands, and show it to her own kid.  Yep...true story.  I was there...because I was that Dad.  Now...let's take this a step further and explain that I am 6'6" tall and weigh a good 250 pounds.  I'm kind of hard to miss.  When I said, "Excuse me," and tried to take the wand back....she looked as if I had suddenly appeared out of no where and was trying to steal her wand.  She literally told me, "I was looking at that."  I couldn't do anything...I was completely at a loss for words.  I found myself turning...and just walking away.  

     What can you do when someone honestly didn't realize you existed in the moment they disrupted your life?  Nothing.  That's what.  Because you can't fix that in people.  We have become a completely self centered people for the most part.  It seems to me that it's all about "What's in it for me?" or "How does this effect my life?"  There's not much thought about others.  We, as a people, don't think about the effect things have on those around us.  Hell, as I've shown, we don't even NOTICE those around us half the time.

     So the question is....what do we do about it?

     I say there's not much we can do about changing others.  This is an issue we have to deal with in ourselves.  It's something that won't change until we take a moment to look at what's going on around us.

     Detach from your mobile devices for a few minutes.  Many states have bans on the use of hand held devices while driving.  Let's just put the phones down while we are behind the wheel.  If you have to have your phone active at all times....there's a plethora of tech gadgets out there that allow us to still use our phones hand free at 90 miles an hour.  When some one's trying to talk to you face to face, put the phone down.  Whatever text just came in, can wait a few minutes.  Let's put the human interaction back into being social creatures.  Texting and social media are great.   But, there's nothing like a face to face conversation to feel connected.

     Let's open our eyes and think about the person next to us from time to time.  Hold the door for the person walking into the building behind you.  Saying something as simple as 'excuse me' when you accidentally bump into the guy in front of you while waiting in line to order your burrito at Chipotle is not only the polite thing to do...it doesn't take any effort.  Think about it...if the roles were reversed, you'd probably be annoyed to say the least if they ignored that they were stepping all over you.

     I guess the Golden Rule really does apply.  But it's not just that we treat others the way we want to be treated.  Take it a step further and respond the way you'd like to be responded to.  We've lost the instinct to be kind to one another.  The words "Thank you" only take a couple seconds and no effort at all.  Yet many of us treat them as if it's a bother to say them.

     All in all, I think it only takes a little time and not much effort to step outside ourselves, and treat each other with some civility.  Take a moment to notice the people that exist around you.  Share a kind word...it may just make some one's day.  Maybe, stepping out of our own little worlds can go a long way to changing the way we see things.  

Sarge,

Out

     

The Modern Caveman

     He moved into position and readied himself…mind focused, eyes sharp.  His heart beat in his chest and he slowed his breathing as he cleared his head of any and all distractions.  What happened in the next few moments meant the difference between life and death.  In just a matter of seconds, he would either prove that he was the man he claimed to be, or he would fail…and possibly lose everything he had ever worked for.

     The moment loomed before him.  As he moved, life slowed.  His entire existence hinged on this.  He leapt into action…springing forth in a swift assault.  His bare feet gripped the soft ground beneath him as he pushed his body weight forward and up.  He twisted, and jerked his arm forward, launching a hand carved spear as he exhaled.  His eyes watched, took in every detail of the next few seconds.  The flight of the spear on its trajectory…the sound of the air around him rushing past his ears as he launched himself….the sweat from his face trickling over his lip, and into his mouth…The muscles of his prey, rippling under its skin as it raced to retreat from this primal hunter.

     And as quickly as it started, it was over.  He stood over his quarry, now lying lifeless at his feet.  Removing his hand carved spear, he looks around.  He is alone with his prize.  But it’s not a thing for sport…he did not kill this animal for the sake of killing…his job was just beginning….

     She looked up as her children squealed and ran past her.  She stood, and watched them run to him.  He approached, skin dark from the sun and covered in dirt.  He dragged behind him the spoils of his hunt.  Without a word, he began to cut the carcass…butcher it and give it to his woman, his children.  His kill would keep them fed for some time…and clothed as well.  The pelt would serve to make clothes or shoes, while the bones would be used for tools or weapons.  He was the provider, the protector…he was the Caveman.

     I like to think that we’ve evolved a lot from those days…that the need to simply meet base needs is not ALL that drives us.  While we as the human race will always work to provide ourselves with the basic needs, our means of doing so have come a LONG way.  Along with such change comes a changing of roles.  Men are not just the hunters and protectors, women no longer only gather and birth children.  But while we have come a long way…I still find that I look to the Caveman at times and think, “He got some things right.”
     
     First of all, Cavemen have the word in their name…MEN.  They were men in the strictest sense of the word.  They were hunters, protectors, meat eating alpha males who provided for their tribes and kept them safe.  Failure to do so meant the death of the tribe or the family.  It was literally a matter of life and death on a daily basis.

     In a world of 'survival of the fittest', the Caveman had to be fearless...had to be violent...had to be the primal man.  His home was constantly threatened by dangerous animals, harsh environments, and other Cavemen that wanted what he had.  His life was hard and in order to survive, he had to be harder than his life.

     When it came to the family or tribe, it was his way or no way at all.  He knew how to survive and he led his tribe specifically for that purpose.  He dictated; he ruled his domain.  And...in that time, it was not only acceptable....it was necessary.

     Today, the Modern Caveman is faced with many of the same challenges of the original Caveman. He faces dangerous animals in the form of terrible drivers, cut-throat co-workers, and bosses from hell. His harsh environments are his workplace, the bar, or just a night out on the town.  And of course, other Cavemen continue to threaten to take what is his.

     And, there are aspects of the Caveman that we cling to still today.  The Modern Caveman is still a hunter.  He still has his single minded focus as he sets out on the hunt.  When the Modern Caveman sets his mind to something....he will not stop until it is his.  He will work tirelessly to attain the job he wants, or save every penny for the car of his dreams...or spend every free moment of his time to see his dreams come to fruition.

     The Modern Caveman will protect what is his.  He will spend hours washing, and waxing his car to the perfect shine.  He will defend his home, his domain...his cave...to the death, or at least install a state of the art security system.  And many times, when the Modern Caveman is threatened...he will fight back.  Alas, many of the Modern Cavemen I see are quick to anger, and sadly....perhaps too quick.

     What can cause such an evolved creature as the Modern Caveman to revert to his primal nature and be so quick to anger?  What can cause the primal Caveman to surface when he has progressed so far in so many other aspects of his life?  There are many things....but among them...one stands above them all.  It is a simple answer that is more complex than life itself.  It has started wars, crumbled nations, and pitted brother against brother for all of time.

     That reason...is Woman.

     When we think of the Caveman, and his interaction with the Cave-woman, it conjures images of a club carrying Neanderthal hitting a woman over the head and dragging her back to his cave.  While I agree that he may have lacked as certain finesse with the ladies…I will say that the Caveman’s treatment of women was rooted in the right place.  Am I saying you should go out and club the prettiest girl you see over the head and try to drag her back to your place? Hell no.  What do you think I am…a Caveman?  When I talk about his treatment of women, I’m talking more about his attitudes toward them.  The “WHY” behind how he viewed the creature that is woman.

      

     To the Caveman, the woman was a beautiful and magical creature.  She kept the home while he was out hunting.  She created life.  She raised the children.  Where the Caveman was so focused and skilled at the hunt and the protection of his woman, She had the ability to multitask…to show compassion, to be the heart of the tribe.  These were things the Caveman knew he needed but could not posses without her.  Therefore, he cherished his woman.  And he would do anything to provide for her and protect her.

      

     That’s the part he had right…the cherishing.  I think it’s something the modern Caveman doesn’t do enough.  We hunt.  We focus on the prize…the goal.  And more often than not, today’s Caveman sees the Woman as the prize itself.  In doing so…when he gets the prize…he no longer puts the effort into her.  He doesn’t cherish her as the Caveman cherished his woman.

     So what does it all mean?  It means that deep down...we all have a little Caveman still lurking inside us.  I don't see it as something to be ashamed of.  I think we should embrace the fact that we are Modern Cavemen.  Be strong...be a man.  Go get what you want....hunt it down until it is yours...and if you're lucky enough to have a woman in your life...cherish your woman.  Because let's face it....without women, we are just a bunch of Modern Cavemen.

Sarge,
Out