A Change of Heart and a Change of Mind

"Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room
Calling my name and I follow just to find you
I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather
And I've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause
I frozen time between hearses and caskets
Lost control when I panicked at the acid test

"I wanna get better

"While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind 'cause the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars,

Hey, I wanna get better!

"I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better"

-Bleechers, I wanna get better.

   
     One of the hardest things I have had to do recently, is to step back and really take a look at myself.
Changes needed to be made.  And, if you've ever tried it then you know for a fact, that change is one of the hardest things to do.  Especially change within one's self.

     Things in my life looked good.  Well, on the outside, at least.  I was married.  I have two kids.  I was in a great position at work doing some really cool stuff in the War on Terror.  To anyone looking at my life from the outside, things looked pretty great.  What no one could see, was how much pain I was actually in.

     Something had to change.
   

Well said, Socrates...well said.

     The problem was, like so many of us, I feared change.  I feared change to the point of inaction.  And that was my downfall.  I knew things needed to change.  I knew I couldn't go on much longer in my situation the way it was.  But fear is a powerful deterrent and it worked it's paralyzing magic on me.    

     I wanted things to be different.  I wanted things to be how I imagined they would be in my head 16 years ago when I asked her to marry me.  And despite what some people may think, I tried.  I tried damn hard to make things right...to make them as good as I thought they could be.  And, it worked, sometimes.

     They say hind sight is 20/20.  They (whoever They are) are all damn geniuses.

     If I could see things the way they were...as they happened, perhaps I wouldn't be where I am now.  Then again....using my hind sight, I see now that the success...or failure...of a relationship takes two...no matter how hard one of them is trying.

     I've mentioned in previous posts about how I've made mistakes.  I own that fact.  I am working to change that and not make the same mistakes again.   But I didn't start out that way...making mistakes, I mean.  It took a long a time to get there.

     You see, I'm a people pleaser.  I like to try to make everyone happy all the time.  The more I care about you, the more I try.  Even at the cost of my own wants, needs and happiness.  I hated to hurt anyone that I cared about.  I would find myself saying whatever people wanted to hear, just to make sure they were happy...or at least not upset with me.

     That was one of my worst mistakes.  Saying what I thought people wanted to hear, instead of telling them the hard truth that may hurt...led me down a path that I couldn't turn back from.  It became the norm to gloss over things.  Glossing over things turned to denials.  Denials turned to lies.

     Lies are never good.

     I'm not sure how, but I was such a people pleaser that when I DID try to tell her how I felt...that I wasn't happy, or that I needed things to change...I found myself apologizing.  Somehow, the conversation...about how I was feeling....about the things I needed changed or at least discussed....always turned into an argument about how that made HER feel like a bad person.  The end result...I apologized for making her upset with my feelings or concerns...and the conversation was over.

     The other thing hind sight showed me is that I...that we....fell into patterns.  Ups and downs...the roller coaster of life.  I would explain that I thought things needed changed.  Then...I would apologize for feeling that way and making her feel like a bad person.  Things would get better for a while....until she felt like they were good again...and then they would go back to how they were before the conversations.  The amount of time that things stayed good varied.  At first...it was a year or so, then it digressed until the 'we need to get better' conversation happened about once a month.

     When I say that things would get bad, I mean I would feel like I didn't matter.  I would be made to feel like I was not even wanted in my own house.  While a marriage isn't about sex...the physical side is a good barometer for how things are going.  When it was at the point that we would go MONTHS without so much as touching one another....that's a problem.  Emotionally, I was being slowly killed.

     At several points along the way, I asked for us to get help. One thing I learned from my time in Iraq...more specifically, my time AFTER Iraq...is that therapy works!  So, based on the success of my PTSD therapy after I got back...I asked for us to go to couple's counseling.

     She refused.  Every time I asked, she said no.  Eventually....that sent the message that she didn't want to try....that we weren't worth it.

     While all this was happening...my job was also beginning to weigh on me.  I was not happy there.  I was being treated poorly at work, and at home.  My stress levels were skyrocketing and my stress relief was all but nil.  I worked longer hours...often times just staying in the office even if I didn't have work to do...just so I didn't have to go home and feel unwanted there.  My hobby....writing, and being creative with my friends....also went away.  I didn't even have that to look forward to anymore.

      I felt alone.  I felt worthless.  I was spiraling downward into a dark place, and I couldn't see it.  My friends could see it.  Some of them even tried to reach out to me.  I couldn't see them.  My co workers could see it.  I was blind to their concerns as well.   I am not sure if my ex saw it...but if she did...she never said anything.  I wold say I was unhappy....all I would get was, "I know you're not happy.  I hope that it gets better."  Maybe she didn't know WHAT to say....but that wasn't it.

     I retreated within myself.  I pushed every good thing I had in my life away.  I tried to throw myself into the kids' activities.  I never missed a basketball game, or a swim practice.  But I did choose to stay at work, or away from the house longer than I had to....to avoid feeling like I didn't belong in my own home.  I didn't want my kids to see me this way.

     That's when mistakes happened.  Mistakes that hurt a lot of people and ultimately ended my marriage.  (Though...looking back...I think it ended well before we stopped living together.)

     Perspective changes things.

     It was cold.  It was hard.  Rock bottom is a desolate place.  To find one's self there is an often surprising, and sobering moment.  As I lay on my back....at the lowest point in my life...I looked up at the wreckage of what I left behind.  Every relationship I have ever had was gone...at least they would not be the same after this.  I lost everything.  I was more alone that I ever had been.  I couldn't go any lower.  I found...much to my disliking...that jail greatly changes one's perspective.

    And that's when it hit me.  It wasn't just THINGS that needed to change.

     I needed to change myself.


     I was determined to change ME.  I knew I couldn't do it alone.  If I was to be the man I needed to be for any of the friends that I may have left....for my kids....for myself, I needed help with this.

     Many, many hours of therapy have taught me a lot in the last six months.  A lot about myself.  A lot about my situation.  It's hard.  It's not easy to look at yourself and see the real you...and decide to do something about it.  But it's worth it.

     I am worth it.

     The fact that I just said that is significant.  Mostly because I didn't have any self worth six months ago.  The first thing I learned was that I had to change my mind....about myself.  I had to stop letting the way others made me feel dictate my self worth.  I also had to change the idea that my mistakes defined who I was.  YES, I made a mistake.  NO, that mistake is not who I am.

    It takes work.  but through all of this...through the mistakes, and the low points...even through the bad choices, I've had a good heart.  Yes, it was broken, and a bit cynical.  But my heart always had the best of intentions, even though my actions weren't always the best.  I needed to get past the breaks in my heart...to see that my mind needed to be changed.  My heart needed to change...so that my mindset about everything else could change as well.  And because I change heart, I am able to change my mindset...to see me for ME, not for who SHE made me FEEL like I was.

     What I am finding through all of this, however...is that a bitter, cruel heart...the one that does things out of anger...that will prevent one's mind from changing.  A heart that wants only revenge, only bad things to happen....is a very dangerous thing. Her heart is so blinded by anger and rage, that it is dictating all of her actions.  
  
     I am working to change myself...so I don't make the same mistakes again.  So that someday I can be happy and have the relationship I have dreamed of.  I know my heart is in the right place.  My heart has forgiven her for the role she played in the failure of our marriage.  That has freed my mind to change for the better as well. 
  
     I worry about her...my ex.  I know I hurt her.  I know she's angry.  And she has every right to be.  But, I worry that change won't come for her.  It's very easy for her to place all the blame on me in our situation.  She doesn't see that she needs to change as well.  And she won't put in the work in order to change.  Because a cold, hard heart....won't allow change.  That's the hardest thing to see...and without putting in the work to change....happiness will always be just out of reach.

      It took hitting rock bottom for me.  Everyone is different.  Maybe it won't take that level of pain...of darkness...for everyone.  But if you find yourself needing change...and you're willing to put in the work...start with your heart.  As desperate as things may feel....if you are willing to work for it,  you can have a change of heart....and a change of mind.

Sarge,
Out.

Get My Geek On

Nerd. Dork. Geek. Dweeb.

     These are but a few of the names that I...and those like me...have been called all my life.  Being different made me the target of much ridicule. And, I admit...I was different.  My imagination worked non stop.  I was a day dreamer...doodling the images from my head in the margin of my school work.  I would fill notebooks with stories that I thought of while I should have been doing my Spanish homework.  

     What I did not know...what most of the nerds and geeks that grew up with me did not know...was that people like us have a place that we can call our own. Not only can we go and get our geek on in a completely judgement free environment...but our Nerditude is celebrated!

     While sports fans have their Super Bowls and World Series (which I love...but, more as an excuse to party...and less for the actual game)...Nerds have Comic Con!  It is the one time a year where we can gather en mass and celebrate all things Comic, pop culture, and Nerd.

Hey....you costumed Nerds!  I've got something to say....

COMIC CON IS COMING!!

     I love going to Comic Con...then again, I have no problem celebrating my inner...and outer...Nerd year round.  It is good, however, to have a place to go and just straight geek out with other like minded individuals.  I have made it a tradition to go to Comic Con every year with my son (The Punk).  I was only able to have him with me on Sunday this year, so I also tagged along with my friend James (Bro) for the weekend.  Spending time with both of them was really fun. That, truly is the best part of the whole event, for me.

     Enough of that sentimental crap.  Back on topic!

     As with most things, I have my favorite parts of Comic Con and there are parts I would like to see....improved upon.

     One of my favorite parts of the whole convention, is that anyone can come dressed up as anything....and no one really cares!  Yes...I have gone to Comic Con in costume, and I loved it.  Costume clad comic and entertainment aficionados ...or Cosplayers....are a staple of the Con.  They range from someone wearing a character t-shirt and a mask, to full blown...hand made suits of armor with lights and sounds.  (Literally, all the bells and whistles.)

     I tip my hat to the creativity and dedication that hardcore Cosplayers put into their costumes each year.  While many Convention attendees go in costume...only a few actually achieve what I would consider 'cosplay' status.   Don't get me wrong.  If someone spends the money on a good Halloween costume and wears it to Comic Con, I salute you for your enthusiasm for your favorite character.  (Except, maybe the Tarzan guy....the old dude who wore nothing but a leather flap over his man parts and butt crack....and that's IT.  I could have gone my whole life not seeing that and being perfectly happy....)  As far as everyone else...Halloween costumes included... I love that you did it.  However...in this guy's humble opinion, store bought doesn't have the same impact as scratch building your costume has.

     The best cosplayers start their costumes months, if not a full year, before the Convention even starts.  Their creativity and talent blow me away.  The details they put into each costume reveal just how dedicated they are to the character and how big a fan they are.  And one of my favorite things to see, is when they twist a concept and make a recognizable character their own.

    I spent some time taking pictures at this years Convention.  Ok...let's be honest.  The first two days of the Con were filled with nothing but taking pictures and meeting the independent artists and publishers (more on that in a little bit.) I have added some examples of the costumes/Cosplay that were wandering the Convention hall. And then there's the Annual Comic Con Costume Contest.  This is always The Punk's favorite part.  Bro is a big fan, too.  So we headed to the contest hall and took our seats.  I took so many pictures that my camera battery died and I had to end the day Sunday taking pics with my iPhone.

     So, essentially...the costumes fall into BOTH categories....one of my favorite parts of Comic Con, AND one of the things that could be improved upon.  What follows is just a sampling of the hundreds of costumes we saw throughout the entire weekend.  I'll leave it up to you to decide how good or bad each comic fan did with their versions of these characters.  I personally pass no judgement....(except toward Tarzan guy...).  I am simply a fan of the fans.

     

 

 

               
 

 

 

 

 

      But it's not all about the cosutmes.  The backbone of the Convention is the comics themselves...and all things comics related.

     That's the other part of the Convention that I want to focus on, the one that is near and dear to my heart.   There is a plethora of highly talented independent artists and publishers that form nearly half the convention floor.  I am consistently blown away by the pure talent that is on display in "Artist Alley."  Independent artists are the heart and soul of the Comic world.  Every big name title out there is drawn by someone who started out as independent.  And I honestly believe the independent artist and publishers are not given enough credit or spotlight.

     So that's what I'm going to do...

     I walked the floor in awe.  I talked to MANY artists and publishers.  From small, two man outfits that literally operate out of basements, to bigger independents that have multiple titles and series....I soaked it all in.  They were all inspiring and renewed my belief in what I do as a writer/artist.

     One of the publishers/writers I met was Odd Truth Publishing.  I was intrigued by the title of their book, Torchbearer.  After talking to Victoria Rodriguez and Torchbearer creator Nicolas Dedual, I found that their story was something I could be really interested in. They took familiar Cyberpunk/sci fi themes....corporations gaining too much power, political unrest, and a dark future...and expanded it to an interstellar level.  The art is very well done and the story, while familiar, is told in a way that piqued my interests.  I just had to find out how, exactly, a corporation can buy an entire solar system.  Check them out here to see what they are all about.

     Another publisher I want to spotlight is Big Dog Ink.  Writer/Creator Tom Hutchison uses BDI to do something that I absolutely love...taking the familiar stories we all know and making them their own.  I first came across them at last year's Comic Con, where their title, "The Legend of Oz, the Wicked West" caught my eye.  They took the familiar story of Dorothy Gale being swept off to the land of Oz, and twisted it into an amazing Wild West fantasy adventure.  Again, the artwork was lovely...but it was the story that caught my attention. 

     Last year, Big Dog got me with "The Legend of Oz."  I took one look at the book and was hooked.  This year, I discovered Critter....their super hero title.  It's an'old school' take on the costumed super hero, which I find refreshing in an industry that is saturated with horror, suspense, and crime/political drama titles.  I bought all four volumes, and The Punk picked up the "In Crowd" trade paperback...which has a tie in with Critter.

    Big Dog carries several titles, all of which are interesting, creative...and fun!  Stories like, Shahrazad (an interesting take on the Arabian Queen from 1001 Arabian Nights), Oz, Ursa Minor, and Penny for Your Soul (about a Demon who wants in on the End of Days war....) grab the reader with stunning cover art, and then keeps them enthralled with innovative story telling and continued amazing art on the inside.   Big Dog Ink is easily one of my favorite creator owned publishers at the Convention.  As a matter of fact, watch this blog for a full review of the company at a later date.  Until then...check them out at the link below and buy some of their books.

     Click Here for Big Dog Ink's Homepage.

     Another indie publisher that caught my eye was FarCorners Studios.  They also had a super hero title out.  Their giant Team Genesis banner was the first thing I noticed.  A picture of the team, in the classic team pose, grabbed my attention.  I decided to speak with the Editor in Chief and writer of Team Genesis, Lincoln Farquharson.  A story teller all his life, he now has the opportunity to tell his stories through comics at FarCorners.  With beautiful art and an interesting storyline, you should check out their page here, and see what the FarCorners Universe is all about.

      Bro is a huge fan of reading books.  I mean, real books with few or NO pictures....just words.  Lots of words.  He likes Comic Con for what it is, but isn't the biggest of comic fans.  This is a fact I enjoyed pointing out frequently all weekend by quizing him on who people were dressed as, or if he knew what comic certain action figures were from.  He got me back, however when it came to other Geekly Wisdom....such as characters from games or books that I hadn't read yet.

     So...as he is the resident book worm of my group of friends, I make it a habit to take Bro's advice when it comes to which novels I should read.  This is doubly true when he has RAVE reviews of new reading material.  This was the case at Comic Con.

     Bro went to AwesomeCon in Washington, D.C. earlier this year.  I, regretfully, was unable to attend.  While he was there, he bought a single book.  Apparently once he opened it and started reading, he couldn't put it down.  He read the whole thing in a weekend.  And then proceeded to tell me all about it.  The book was called the Shadow of the Gauntlet, by Casey Caracciolo.  Here's what Bro had to say about it.

     "Werewolves. Magic. Robots. Vampires. Cybernetic Dragons. Gene manipulated bats.  Each one has been the basis for a novel, or even the spawn of entire genres and yet, all of these things, and more are in Shadow of the Gauntlet.  It sounds like it is too much for one book.  And it is.  That's the good thing about this story.  It's the beginning of a series that I am very excited to follow.  The characters are as varied and colorful as you can possibly ask for, and the world building that went into the story is commendable.  There are allusions to back stories that, hopefully, will show up later in the series, and there is a history to this world that is not our own and which I look forward to reading more about.  All in all, I found the book entertaining and a bit of a tease, because now I am looking forward to finding the answers to some of the questions left unanswered in the first installment."

     As Bro and I walked, we were stopped in our tracks and found ourselves gawking at some truly stunning art.  Bold, dark images of familiar characters, done in a style that invoked true emotion hung on the display in front of us.  And to the side, the artist was working on an original piece, right there....hand painting it on a pane of glass!  It was truly incredible.  The artist is CJ Draden.  The artwork is stunning.  He even has a graphic novel out.  Check out "The Wooden Heart, A Pinochio Story" here.

CJ Draden painting on glass

     There were so many other artists and publishers that I was literally overwhelmed and not sure if I could talk to everyone I wanted to, let alone see ALL the artists that were there.  I shook off the overwhelming sensations, and throughout the weekend, made my way across the entire floor.  I stopped and talked to many of the artists and publishers.  I tried to show my support to ALL of them in one way or another.  I don't think the internet is big enough for me to write even just a paragraph about every amazing person I met this weekend.

     BUT, I do think it would be an injustice to not mention everyone I talked to and share their links with you all.  After all, if those of us that are doing this on our own....independent and proud....can't stick together and support each other, how can we ever hope to make our dreams come true?

     So, in the interest of support, fandom, and flat out AWE at some really amazing talent, here are the links to these artists sites.  Check them out.  Support them.  Even if it's just looking at their page and telling them how awesome you think they are.  Trust me....we check that kind of stuff...and it helps...A LOT!

     Chris Campana:  Amazing art, and a very unique and interesting story.  Check out First World at Firstworldcomic.com.

     For some very cool prints and designs from some awesome '80s pulp icons, ESPECIALLY the classic TRANSFORMERS, check out www.facebook.com/mythsandheroes.  They also do a Transformers podcast.  You can find it on You Tube at Shateredcastuncut.

   Join Lyssa Peate, otherwise known as the pirate bounty hunter Razia, as she balances piracy and planet explorations, her family and new friends, and traverses the uncharted territory of her own heart.  Read more about S. Usher Evans' book "Double Life" here: www.susherevans.com/book-info

     Advent Comics has several titles and the art looked very well done.  Check them out at www.adventcomics.com.

     There were several other artists that turned my head.  Here are their links.

     Brian Hoang: facebook.com/brihoangdraws
     Chris Judge: brightspiralcomic.com
     Keron Grant: kerongrant.net
     Maureen Stewart: facebook.com/designbystew
     Mervyn McCoy: paperlabstudios.com
     Deron Bennett: he can be reached at dbennett@andworlddesign.com

    A couple indie publishers:

     TJ Comics: TJcomics.com
     RCS Comics: www.RSCcomic.com
     Brian Vissagio (writer) and Kevin Roberts (artist) from Redline Comics: the-stronghold.net
   
     This is a fun and free web comic strip by Don J. Morgan for all you movie buffs/film fanatics out there:  filmsvsmoviescomic.com

Check out Caleb "Clive" Lee's WWII spy novel, "Coral Hale: Atomic Agent" at coralhale.com.

     What's a fan without their T-Shirts?  There are several unique clothing companies that provide some really cool shirts and other clothing that you don't see all the time.  Here are a couple.

     Little Petal designs convertible dresses inspired by Comic characters.  Check them out here, LittlePetal.net.
     For some really fun and unique shirts, check out TeeMinus24.com,  I've already got my "Rogers 2016" campaign shirt ordered.  Because, yes...I believe the US needs Captain America to lead the way.

     All in all, it was a great weekend.  I spent time networking and getting to know some wickedly talented artists, writers, and all around creative people.  They are an inspiration to me, and to so many others.  I left the event feeling ready to write the next great American Novel, blog for days about it, and draw at least a dozen new comic characters I thought up while I was walking the convention floor.

 

 

     I enjoyed the time with The Punk, and with Bro.  It's definitely a fun way to bond.  My absolute favorite part of the weekend was watching the Punk search bin after bin of back issues of comics to find the ONE that he needed to complete a story arc, and it made me smile.  And, when he finally found that issue...and the pure joy that crossed his face...well, I totally understood.  Because all weekend, at Baltimore Comic Con, I was that 13 year old fan boy all over again...and it was really good to get my Geek on.

Sarge,
Out