Shameless Self Promotion

     I'm not a big fan of asking for help.  I have spent my career as a Soldier leading others and showing young Soldiers 'how it's done.'  But, my time in the Army is almost over.  I'm preparing for the future.  I'm getting ready to start the next chapter of my life....and I'm going to do things MY way.

     So, I'm putting up a quick post about what that future is going to look like...and how you can help me make it happen.  My vision is very clear for this dream...and I honestly believe that because I can see it so clearly, I can...and WILL make it happen.

     The dream is called "At The Spot Studios."  It will be a place where artist and creative people from all facets of the arts and entertainment world can come and be seen...or heard.  I want to foster an environment that caters to both the individual artist (be that a painter, writer, dancer, recording artist, film producer, etc) as well as fostering collaboration between artists and across genres.  Professional quality entertainment will be the result...with a focus on the independent artists.

     I've already found a couple of creative people that I work with and have begun some of these collaborations.  The "Studio" as it stands....is basically my laptop.  I have an office in my apartment...but the desk serves as a holding area for all the things I haven't put away in a long time.

     The dream is to have studio space, eventually, where artists can physically come and do their thing.  The 'network' will span out and reach artists across the country....NAY, THE WORLD!  (That was my highly motivated, "go get 'em" voice.  It usually stays in the corner and doesn't see the light of day.)  That's the dream...and that's what I will do.   I've put it on my wishlist.  And things that go on my wishlist come true.

     Someday.

     For now, we have to start somewhere.  And that somewhere is right here...right now.  We (my co-collaborators and myself) have decided to get our stories printed.  We are working on a couple of comic book/graphic novel titles.  The stories are interesting and compelling.  The characters are strong and well developed.  The cost of getting them printed....is a little out of our current budget.

     That's where I'm asking you to come in and help.  Check out the GoFundMe campaign I started and if you feel so compelled....donate.  Help me and my merry band of starving artists see this dream to fruition.  I've even put in some incentive levels so those that donate at certain levels have something cool to show for it.

     Click here to see the campaign page and donate if you feel so inclined.


     So that's it.  In simplest terms...I'm asking for money.  This will likely be the shortest post I put up here.  I feel like it's for a good thing.  I dream big...and I believe it will happen.  I want to see independent artists have a place to flourish.  And because I believe in it so deeply...I'm not above a little shameless self promotion.

Sarge,
Out

Does anyone know what they really want?

     Alright, check it out....

      I sat down to write this entry, based on a single article I had read that really pissed me off.  Then I made the mistake of clicking a link to another article on the same website.  Click click....page loaded....Sarge reads....open the can....worms go everywhere.  So what you are reading now is the result of getting lost in a sea of the most ridiculous bullshit I think I have ever read in my life.

     Then I thought about it.  The problem is bigger than just one thing.  There are a lot of examples of this that cover a full spectrum of issues, but all share the some similar traits.  I was going to find them...and discuss them all right here today.

     I debated not even writing this article....because, as a journalist...I believe in freedom of speech.  As a Soldier, I fought for everyone's right to be a douche in an open forum.  So, to sit here and say that people shouldn't write what they want to write...almost seems hypocritical.  But the more I read, the more justified I feel in writing this article.  Every author I read on this rag of a website that initiated this rant...and all the others that I discovered after deciding to write it... have a right to their free speech.  However...that doesn't prevent me from exercising MY freedom of speech and calling out their general douche-baggery.

     It's not often that I read something online and have a legitimate emotional reaction.  For the most part, I will check out the funny videos or pictures that awesome sites like BoredPanda.com or Buzzworthy.com will publish.  Or, I'll read a somewhat uplifting post on Upworthy.com or some other site with a cause. Usually, anything 'offensive' is only mildly so and I attribute it to poor taste or equally poor education (in life...not necessarily in school), and it doesn't bother me much.  Then there are times that the interwebs remind me exactly how much there is in this world that can cause us to lose faith in humanity.

     So, no kidding, there I was...bored at work and clicking links to entertain myself.  I was neck deep in an online entertainment rabbit hole, when I clicked the link that would change my whole mood for the rest of the day.  And...I was subsequently online for the better part of the night trying desperately to find a redeeming point for the website that I stumbled across that day...to no avail.

     The title of the article I read is "5 Reasons Why Girls With Tattoos and Piercings Are Broken."  I clicked the link, thinking I was going to get a lighthearted article listing goofy or funny reasons the author....(in my assumption before reading...likely a tattooed or pierced woman)...thought the title was true.

     I couldn't have been more wrong.

     There are a few sure fire ways to piss me off in just a few short moments.  Wear your sunglasses inside.  Park in a clearly marked 'No Parking' area because you are going to 'just run in for a second.'  Say words like 'irregardless' or 'suposebly.'  (While one of those is grammatically correct...it still sounds stupid.)  Another way to ensure I'm fired up when reading something....make a broad and absolute generalization.



     The article opened with just that...stating that 'No girl has ever...' and then followed it up with another one..."There's no man on Earth who's ever...."  
    
     First of all, Jack...how the hell do you know that "No girl has ever" ANYTHING?  You are immediately and irrevocably unqualified to make that statement based on the fact that you are in possession of a penis.  And again....to assume that you know that "No man on Earth..." well, that's not only arrogant, it's laughable.

     I had to continue reading.  This guy was a staff columnist for this website...which means at least one other person thinks his writing is worth something.  So I gave it a shot.

     He goes on to basically say that girls (he never refers to them as WOMEN) who get tattoos are mutilating themselves.  Blanket statement.  Within in the first paragraph, his credibility was shot...at least with me.  He says that no man  has ever thought a woman looked better with a tattoo or piercing.  I, for one, am a man.  And I, for one, happen to find a well placed tattoo, or a little nose piercing (or other piercings....just sayin') VERY sexy on a woman.  I also know for a fact, that I'm not alone in this thinking.

     That said...I had to keep reading because this guy wasn't writing about how body art detracts or enhances beauty.  He was claiming that ALL women who have tattoos or piercings are broken...mentally and emotionally.  I wanted to see why he thought so.

     After reading the article, I realized why this guy thought this way about ALL women with tattoos and piercings....actually (upon further reading I discovered), he felt this way about ALL women in general.  That reason is simple.

     He's a misogynistic asshole.

    The site was called Return Of Kings.  The site aims to promote the return of masculinity to men in America. The following is from the Return Of Kings website...this is what their page is all about:

     Return Of Kings is a blog for heterosexual, masculine men. It’s meant for a small but vocal collection of men in America today who believe men should be masculine and women should be feminine.
     ROK aims to usher the return of the masculine man in a world where masculinity is being increasingly punished and shamed in favor of creating an androgynous and politically-correct society that allows women to assert superiority and control over men. Sadly, yesterday’s masculinity is today’s misogyny. The site intends to be a safe space on the web for those men who don’t agree with the direction that Western culture is headed. Click here to send an email to the team. (link removed)

      Women and homosexuals are discouraged from commenting here.

     Did you get that?  "Women and Homosexuals are discouraged from coming here."   After further reading on the site, it is pretty evident that these "men" don't want anyone there that will threaten their masculinity.  And what's more threatening to a big manly homophobe than to be put in your place by a gay man?!?!

    While I don't see anything wrong with being a masculine man...AT ALL...I have problems with anyone who thinks one of the ways of doing that is to belittle women.  REAL Men know how to be masculine, and manly, and still respect women and treat them as they should be treated.  REAL men aren't afraid of Homosexuals.  There's nothing to fear.  Don't worry, it's not contagious...you can't "catch their gay."
 
    I was floored by articles with titles like: "Why you shouldn't care when she cries during a break up," "The three I's of getting laid," "How to get more sex with Alpha Douchebag Club Game" (I am NOT making this up....), "How to free yourself from the need for women" (let me guess....start a super douchey misogynistic and homophobic website?), and "Genetics guarantees that Feminism will lose."

     I have no idea how men still think this way in this day and age.  I will attribute this to my Mom and Dad doing something right and raising my brother and I to value ALL people equally.  But it's there...men still think this way.  And that made me rather sad to be a man.  I felt compelled to apologize for my gender.

     Then I realized....I have nothing to be sorry for.  I don't think this way.  I need to do something about it, though...and let people know that these ass clowns are out there.  And there are probably more like them!

    I wondered how much was out there on the web.  How much crap is available for consumption by the masses thanks to the broad distribution powers of the almighty Internet?  I began looking around at other examples of people who use terms like "all people of one certain group are..."

     I was not disappointed.

     As a matter of fact, by the time I had read just a couple of articles...I felt like I had to apologize just for being a middle aged white male.  (All of those are things I can't help...by the way.)  Again...I honestly found it shocking what people think in this day and age.  We are supposed to be the most educated we have been in history...and we probably are.  But there's some logic out there that I  just can't wrap my head around.

     But it wasn't just the misogynists that had my head spinning this time.

     I knew that there are some men who still have the mindset of a Neanderthal.  They are hard to be around and I can't carry on a conversation with them to save my life.  What I found interesting, was the female counterpart to the Neanderthal.

     Enter the Feminist.

     And why wouldn't there be Feminists when women have to live in a world where misogynistic Neanderthal assholes like the one I mentioned above are out there?  One could easily see why the movement formed.  But...like any other movement...extremism in any form isn't really a great thing.

     I read an article by a self proclaimed radical Feminist...or "RadFem."  The title itself had me fired up.  I sat there in horror as I read this RadFem explain that "All PIV is rape, OK?"  (PIV, for those that don't know...is Penis In Vagina sex...intercourse.)  Basically, she explained that sex is violence toward women and just another way that men keep women submissive.   Her logic leads her to the conclusion that all sex is rape, because no woman actually wants such a violent act done to her.

    Uh....wait, what?!?!?!?! 

    At one point in the article, she says that the vagina is for giving birth only.  Maybe my male mind isn't enlightened enough to grasp this...but if the vagina is for giving birth only, and ALL penetrative sex is rape...how does the baby get there in the first place?

    I was raised to understand and respect that "No means no."  I believe it and there is NO REASON EVER that a woman should be forced to have sex if she says no.  I have never had sex with a woman if she has told me no.  I HAVE had sex before...with a real live girl, even.  But, I have never raped anyone!!

    Just to make sure I wasn't being overly defensive on this one...I ran it by a female friend, just to get her perspective.  Her response?

     "That chick is nuts."

     Good...it's not just me.

     Now it makes more sense to me why celebrities like Katy Perry are quick to say they are not Feminists...even though they believe in the equality and empowerment of women.  (Which, pretty much is Feminism in it's most dumbed down form...for slower guys like myself.)  With extreme views like the RadFem above...I wouldn't want to be associated with a movement either, even if at its core...it's right.

    But this stuff is out there.   And anyone can read it.  I have a daughter.  She's at the stage where she and her friends are discovering their personalities and figuring out who they are in this world.  I also have a son, and he and his friends are in the same boat.  I do my best to parent by example and be the person...have the values, that I want my children to carry on into their adult lives.  I pray they never stumble across crap like these social extremists....but that's unrealistic.  So....when they do, I hope I've taught them enough that they question it, or simply see it for what it is...social extremism at its worst.

     Feminism is defined as the theory of the political, economical, and social equality of the sexes and/or organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests.  While I like the first part of the definition better, simply because it leaves less up for interpretation, the fact is that Feminism is a real...legit movement.   It's the social extremists that make us afraid to label ourselves Masculine or Feminist. 

     I believe wholeheartedly in the equal treatment of women....politically, economically, and socially.  I believe that women are the better half of humanity and without them....men would have destroyed the human race long ago.  But I also believe that men should be allowed to be men.  That's not to say they should be allowed to be nasty animals and write it off as 'manly'....not at all.  But don't criticize a man for wanting the fast car, or shooting the big gun, or liking his steak rare...because he's a man. 

     With RadFems and mysoginists abounding on the internet....and the seeming HATE that they spew for the opposite gender, I wonder how they can promote equality when they can't even see it?  I started off wanting to think I could be considered a Feminist, because I do believe in equality.  But after my research...I think I have decided on a new label.

     I'm a HUMANIST. 

     I want all people to be treated equally...regardless of gender, or race (that's another article....already working on it), age, religion, sexual preferance, or any other factors.   I've read what the RadFems say.  I've read what Return of Kings spews.  One movement seeks the equal treatment of women.  The other wants to promote masculinity it men.  Neither of these things are bad.  Both can be done without demeaning the other gender.  Yet when I read what these people have to say, I can't help but wonder...
   
     .....Does anyone know what they really want?

Sarge,
Out

    

Thank God for Disney Villains

     So, there I was, sitting in my chair watching TV and eating my dinner.  The dog was sitting on the floor next to my throne, watching intently and waiting for the smallest of crumbs to fall within her eager reach.  I smiled as I watched Ickey Woods doing his celebratory dance for some cold cuts.  Then the screen changed and my attention was immediately drawn in to the images and the voice on the screen.  It was one of my favorite things...a MOVIE TRAILER!
 
     Anyone that's been to the movies with me knows that one of my favorite parts of actually going to the theater to see the movie....is the previews!  It's like you get four or five mini movies before the movie you are actually there to see.  And yes...I'm that guy who will tell the person I'm with, "That looks bad ass.  It's on the list."  I don't mind talking during the previews...they are not the movie.   I do believe there's a special hell for people that talk or use their cell phones during the actual movie.  It's a dark place, where they force you to watch re-runs of Cop Rock for all eternity.

   But, I digress...back to the topic at hand...  

     I was in my recliner and I was watching the trailer for Nightcrawler, with Jake Gyllenhaal and Renee Russo.  It was touted as  one of Gyllenhaal's most commanding and career defining performances.  The clips that they strung together for that trailer were great.  They did their job well.  I was interested.

Gyllenhaal gives a stunning performance, but the plot of Nightcrawler, left me in the dark.

     I decided to go see Nightcrawler in the theaters.  The trailer was right.  Gyllenhaal gave a powerful performance.  He was interesting to watch and at certain points, I almost felt for the character he played...regardless of how psycho he was.

     Unfortunately...that's where the praise ends. 

     I spent about two hours wondering when the conflict was going to happen.  What was the point to this movie?  I admit, it was intriguing...they hooked me with the strange character and brooding mood of the film.  But once I was hooked in...they failed to reel me in and keep me interested.

     There were moments in the movie that I wanted the story to circle back around to...that I wanted to see "what happened with that" later on.  It never happened.  I will try not to give anything away...but I have to say, the detective in the movie was so bad at her job that it crossed to the realm of unbelievable.  I'm sure there are inept cops out there....but you don't make movies about them. 

     Let's not forget about the stalking/sexual harassment issues that never seem to be fully addressed.  I mean...c'mon!  In this day and age, that plot point alone could have added so much to the story.  But...like much of the plot...it was somewhat glossed over.  Again...I questioned the writing.

     I left the theater disappointed to say the least.  I felt confused, and frustrated.  It was one of those, "Why did I pay to watch that?" kind of moments.  I have to say, I will never consider a movie very good if I walk out with more questions than I walked in with.    A strong character performance, and interesting cinematography are not enough to make up for an aimless plot full of holes and a weak story.

     I had hope though...that cinema wasn't dead.  And a couple weeks later, I went to see another film that seemed well reviewed.  Again, the trailers for it had me curious...for various reasons.  The classic murder mystery with what seemed like a unique twist (according to the trailers)...what's not to love?  So, I was off to see Gone Girl.

     I thought I would take the shot and see Ben Affleck perform in something OTHER than a Kevin Smith flick.  He did well.  As a matter of fact...compared to Nightcrawler, I felt like I was watching a Scorsese masterpiece.  That is, however...ONLY compared to Nightcrawler.  So Gone Girl kept me much more engaged.  I saw an actual story developing.  There were even points when I thought I had it figured out, just to have the story twist and throw me for a loop...questioning my arm chair detective skills.

A pretty good thriller with a twist ending.  The twist...no one liked the ending.

     However, there was a pretty distinct point in the film when I lost the intrigue and got frustrated.  Once again...plot holes started to develop and things started going down hill.  I feel like, where Nightcrawler tried to emphasize the odd character over plot, Gone Girl's mistake was trying to make the twist SO different that it lost the desired effect.  When it feels like the writers are trying too hard, that's when the magic of the movie is gone.  To be lost in the story requires my mind to accept what's happening...or at least be so enthralled that the implausible seems acceptable.

     Perhaps I was being too critical.  Perhaps I'm being too much of a movie snob about this.  But I asked around.  I wasn't the only one that felt that way.  Especially about Gone Girl.  The general consensus was that it was good...but no one liked the way it ended.  I completely agree.

     So I was losing faith in modern cinema.  I contemplated what may be going on.  Is Hollywood trying too hard to shock us?  Are they focusing on the bizarre and not the story itself?  Or are they trying to tell us a story that hasn't been told yet?  Either way...I feel like they are falling short.  For some time now, movies have been hit or miss...and there have been more misses than big hits! I was losing faith in the movies.

     They say that there is no such thing as an original story idea anymore.  I'm not sure I one hundred percent believe that.  But I DO agree that a truly original story is very RARE indeed.  The thing is, I don't have a problem with that.  My philosophy...when it comes to story telling....is not so much the story you tell, but HOW you tell it.  Sure, the idea that is being shared may be as old as stories themselves...but if it's told in a way that captures the imagination and loses the reader/viewer in the story itself...it's a good story.

     And that's what I look for.  I've heard war stories...we've all heard war stories.  But when Saving Private Ryan came out, the world was amazed...because of how that war story was told.  I recently saw Fury, with Brad Pitt...and I feel the same.  This was a well told war story.  I am sure I could relate, having been through the darkness of war myself.  I liked how they focused on the Tank Crew as a family....dysfunctional as they may be...they were a family.  I left the theater feeling like I saw a GOOD, well told story.

Based on a true story, Fury takes you to some dark places in war, with some solidly portrayed stock characters.

     I thought about it, though.  That was a true story (as many war movies are).  So of course it's going to be a bit more solid in the sense of plot and what not.  Character development is often times glossed over in these stories.  I would say that was generally the case in Fury as well.  The characters we meet in the beginning of the movie are the same ones we see as it comes to a close...not much has changed in them.  We didn't get much back story, and we don't see any big epiphany moments.  Save for the young 'rookie' on the crew.  That's where the character development happened for this film.  I feel like it was he and he alone that changed through the movie.

     Still....going into it, knowing it was a true story...I felt like it was generally well done, and made up a little bit for the two previous fiascos I wasted my time with.  It wasn't an original story...but it was told well.

     My faith was restored, however, by the most unlikely of movies.  I know I was more than surprised...pleasantly...by my own reaction to the next movie I saw.  It was exactly what I needed.  A NEW way to tell an old story.  Well written, with amazing character development.  And of course, the cinematography was gorgeous.

     I watched...and was enthralled...as I found myself rooting for one of the most infamous villains in fairy tale history.  I wasn't cheering for the prince...I was wholeheartedly cheering for Maleficent!

     We all know the story.  Upon her birth, the young Princess Aurora, AKA Sleeping Beauty, was bestowed with gifts by fairies.  Enter Maleficent...the evil sorceress who was jealous that she wasn't invited to the party.  She curses Aurora....the curse takes effect....Aurora is saved by Prince Phillip, after a battle with Maleficent.  They all live happily ever after.

    But....is that how it all really happened?

Pure evil personified.  But did we ever think about WHY she was that way?

     Maleficent takes a look at that classic tale of Sleeping Beauty from the perspective of the villain.  I loved the concept.  I loved the development.  How did Maleficent become such a horrible, cold, and evil person that she would curse a BABY?  And...if the story isn't quite how we know it...what is the true ending?

     Disney nailed it on this one.  They hit all the points.  Character development, story telling, creativity, and cinematography.  For a self proclaimed sci-fi and action movie junkie...I was shocked that I liked it so much.  But what Maleficent did...what they did right....was simply tell a really good story.  Again...it wasn't anything new.  We know that story.  But the way they told it...was simply amazing.

Everyone has a story....even the most despicable of Villains.

     Movies are meant to entertain.  They are an escape.  Movies bring families together for a couple hours, or get friends out of the house for an evening.  Perhaps Hollywood needs to remember that it's not the special effects, or the surprise endings, or the shock factor that brings us to the movies.  All they need to do, is tell a good story.

     All the special effects, all the twist endings, all the crazy characters are lost...if the story is just not told very well.  It's a shame that such talented actors can give such strong performances that, due to a poorly written script, are over shadowed by lack of plot or poor story telling.

     In a world of Hollywood thrillers and blockbusters, edge of your seat action and strange characters, all I have to say is...Thank God for Disney Villains.

Sarge,
Out

Watching Other People Live Their Lives

     So I'm sitting in Starbucks. Right now, as I type this. I just came from an mixed emotional morning watching the Punk play football. He rocked it...scoring three touchdowns and leading his team to a 20-0 victory. 

     The other part was that the Ex was there.  It's been six months since we have spoken to each other or seen each other outside of a courthouse. 

     I was thrilled to see my son play.  But, Just the sight of the Ex gets me feeling some kind of way about life in general.  So...I decided after the game, to come here and have a cuppa joe.  It's my daytime equivalent of cracking open a cold one. 

I love hanging out here.  Normally it would be with my friend, Nice Guy Bobby. There has, sadly, been some distance between us lately.  So I'm at the Spot solo.  

Normally, The Nice Guy and I would sit...drink coffee...and just people watch, while finding any number of random things to discuss.  This practice became known as Shimming and Shamming.  And we were pros.  

Today, I needed to shake off the feeling that I had after spending an hour and a half with my Ex within line of sight. Funny how we retreat to the familiar when things get uncertain around us.  

     I ordered my usual and took a seat in one of the comfy leather chairs by the window. It was at that point that I decided to fall into one of my comfort zones.  

     I started watching, observing...seeing what I could see around me.   The people have been flowing in and out in a steady stream since I sat down. And I am not disappointed.  

     After about half an hour of watching, it occurred to me...I am almost shimming and shamming...all by myself.  I just need someone to talk to.  

     That's where you all come in. 

     I pulled out my trusty phone and started snapping pictures.  

     People fascinate me.  The diversity of the clientele makes for an interesting time for a guy who loves just observing.  It's even more fun for a guy who likes to write about what he observes. 

     There was the girl who had her nose to her phone the entire time she sat there.  (Says the guy eyeball deep as he types a blog post on his phone!)  it honestly made me wonder what was so interesting on her screen.  

     I observed the older patrons.  The old man waiting for his wife as she ordered.  I think he was people watching just as much as I was.  There was also the old guy by the window reading his paper.  

     I couldn't help but chuckle out loud at the guy walking in, mirrored sunglasses remaining firmly in place over his eyes (which is where they stayed the whole time...). Note...it's cloudy and rainy today.  He ordered and took at seat at the bar and proceeded to smoke his electronic vapor inhaler thingamahoochy as he continued to protect his eyes from harmful UV Rays.  People like this will henceforth be referred to as "Chads."

     I'd like to explain why there is not a picture of this Chad.  

     Chads are an epidemic that have been plaguing this nation for decades.  It all started When the first collar was popped on a polo shirt, and now continues as Chads wear their sunglasses indoors, or park directly under the NO PARKING sign because they are going to "just run in real quick."  

     I, for one, would like to see Chads put to an end.  Therefore, while the picture would have been entertaining...as you can almost SEE his ego oozing off of him...I cannot in good conscience promote or glorify such heinous creatures.  I feel I have already given too much attention to this particular Chad.  

     So...moving on....

     There are the college kids, all studying or doing homework on their laptops.  The crowd that just finished a session of yoga or Pilates or whatever the current fitness trend is, came in and ordered their skinny lates and frapes. 

     I watched them all, and for a while...I forgot my own issues and frustrations.  I got lost in the "what if's" and the "why's" of who they were or might be.  

     As odd as it may sound, it felt good to see that life was happening all around me. That things were normal...or as normal as they can be in our twisted little world.  It surprised me that I felt this way, but I decided to go with it.  

     It just re-assured me that the world is still going to be here when the dust settles.  That normal doesn't stop...sometimes is just changes.  The Spot used to be something I did with my best friend.  I learned today that while I may not hang with him as much, I can still enjoy the things I always have.  

     The "new normal" may take a little getting used to. But it's not as scary as I thought it would be. I found my comfort zone, again.  

     All it took was a few moments to breathe, and check out life around me.  It's amazing what you can find out about yourself when you're watching other people live their lives.  

Sarge,

Out

A Change of Heart and a Change of Mind

"Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room
Calling my name and I follow just to find you
I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather
And I've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause
I frozen time between hearses and caskets
Lost control when I panicked at the acid test

"I wanna get better

"While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind 'cause the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars,

Hey, I wanna get better!

"I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better"

-Bleechers, I wanna get better.

   
     One of the hardest things I have had to do recently, is to step back and really take a look at myself.
Changes needed to be made.  And, if you've ever tried it then you know for a fact, that change is one of the hardest things to do.  Especially change within one's self.

     Things in my life looked good.  Well, on the outside, at least.  I was married.  I have two kids.  I was in a great position at work doing some really cool stuff in the War on Terror.  To anyone looking at my life from the outside, things looked pretty great.  What no one could see, was how much pain I was actually in.

     Something had to change.
   

Well said, Socrates...well said.

     The problem was, like so many of us, I feared change.  I feared change to the point of inaction.  And that was my downfall.  I knew things needed to change.  I knew I couldn't go on much longer in my situation the way it was.  But fear is a powerful deterrent and it worked it's paralyzing magic on me.    

     I wanted things to be different.  I wanted things to be how I imagined they would be in my head 16 years ago when I asked her to marry me.  And despite what some people may think, I tried.  I tried damn hard to make things right...to make them as good as I thought they could be.  And, it worked, sometimes.

     They say hind sight is 20/20.  They (whoever They are) are all damn geniuses.

     If I could see things the way they were...as they happened, perhaps I wouldn't be where I am now.  Then again....using my hind sight, I see now that the success...or failure...of a relationship takes two...no matter how hard one of them is trying.

     I've mentioned in previous posts about how I've made mistakes.  I own that fact.  I am working to change that and not make the same mistakes again.   But I didn't start out that way...making mistakes, I mean.  It took a long a time to get there.

     You see, I'm a people pleaser.  I like to try to make everyone happy all the time.  The more I care about you, the more I try.  Even at the cost of my own wants, needs and happiness.  I hated to hurt anyone that I cared about.  I would find myself saying whatever people wanted to hear, just to make sure they were happy...or at least not upset with me.

     That was one of my worst mistakes.  Saying what I thought people wanted to hear, instead of telling them the hard truth that may hurt...led me down a path that I couldn't turn back from.  It became the norm to gloss over things.  Glossing over things turned to denials.  Denials turned to lies.

     Lies are never good.

     I'm not sure how, but I was such a people pleaser that when I DID try to tell her how I felt...that I wasn't happy, or that I needed things to change...I found myself apologizing.  Somehow, the conversation...about how I was feeling....about the things I needed changed or at least discussed....always turned into an argument about how that made HER feel like a bad person.  The end result...I apologized for making her upset with my feelings or concerns...and the conversation was over.

     The other thing hind sight showed me is that I...that we....fell into patterns.  Ups and downs...the roller coaster of life.  I would explain that I thought things needed changed.  Then...I would apologize for feeling that way and making her feel like a bad person.  Things would get better for a while....until she felt like they were good again...and then they would go back to how they were before the conversations.  The amount of time that things stayed good varied.  At first...it was a year or so, then it digressed until the 'we need to get better' conversation happened about once a month.

     When I say that things would get bad, I mean I would feel like I didn't matter.  I would be made to feel like I was not even wanted in my own house.  While a marriage isn't about sex...the physical side is a good barometer for how things are going.  When it was at the point that we would go MONTHS without so much as touching one another....that's a problem.  Emotionally, I was being slowly killed.

     At several points along the way, I asked for us to get help. One thing I learned from my time in Iraq...more specifically, my time AFTER Iraq...is that therapy works!  So, based on the success of my PTSD therapy after I got back...I asked for us to go to couple's counseling.

     She refused.  Every time I asked, she said no.  Eventually....that sent the message that she didn't want to try....that we weren't worth it.

     While all this was happening...my job was also beginning to weigh on me.  I was not happy there.  I was being treated poorly at work, and at home.  My stress levels were skyrocketing and my stress relief was all but nil.  I worked longer hours...often times just staying in the office even if I didn't have work to do...just so I didn't have to go home and feel unwanted there.  My hobby....writing, and being creative with my friends....also went away.  I didn't even have that to look forward to anymore.

      I felt alone.  I felt worthless.  I was spiraling downward into a dark place, and I couldn't see it.  My friends could see it.  Some of them even tried to reach out to me.  I couldn't see them.  My co workers could see it.  I was blind to their concerns as well.   I am not sure if my ex saw it...but if she did...she never said anything.  I wold say I was unhappy....all I would get was, "I know you're not happy.  I hope that it gets better."  Maybe she didn't know WHAT to say....but that wasn't it.

     I retreated within myself.  I pushed every good thing I had in my life away.  I tried to throw myself into the kids' activities.  I never missed a basketball game, or a swim practice.  But I did choose to stay at work, or away from the house longer than I had to....to avoid feeling like I didn't belong in my own home.  I didn't want my kids to see me this way.

     That's when mistakes happened.  Mistakes that hurt a lot of people and ultimately ended my marriage.  (Though...looking back...I think it ended well before we stopped living together.)

     Perspective changes things.

     It was cold.  It was hard.  Rock bottom is a desolate place.  To find one's self there is an often surprising, and sobering moment.  As I lay on my back....at the lowest point in my life...I looked up at the wreckage of what I left behind.  Every relationship I have ever had was gone...at least they would not be the same after this.  I lost everything.  I was more alone that I ever had been.  I couldn't go any lower.  I found...much to my disliking...that jail greatly changes one's perspective.

    And that's when it hit me.  It wasn't just THINGS that needed to change.

     I needed to change myself.


     I was determined to change ME.  I knew I couldn't do it alone.  If I was to be the man I needed to be for any of the friends that I may have left....for my kids....for myself, I needed help with this.

     Many, many hours of therapy have taught me a lot in the last six months.  A lot about myself.  A lot about my situation.  It's hard.  It's not easy to look at yourself and see the real you...and decide to do something about it.  But it's worth it.

     I am worth it.

     The fact that I just said that is significant.  Mostly because I didn't have any self worth six months ago.  The first thing I learned was that I had to change my mind....about myself.  I had to stop letting the way others made me feel dictate my self worth.  I also had to change the idea that my mistakes defined who I was.  YES, I made a mistake.  NO, that mistake is not who I am.

    It takes work.  but through all of this...through the mistakes, and the low points...even through the bad choices, I've had a good heart.  Yes, it was broken, and a bit cynical.  But my heart always had the best of intentions, even though my actions weren't always the best.  I needed to get past the breaks in my heart...to see that my mind needed to be changed.  My heart needed to change...so that my mindset about everything else could change as well.  And because I change heart, I am able to change my mindset...to see me for ME, not for who SHE made me FEEL like I was.

     What I am finding through all of this, however...is that a bitter, cruel heart...the one that does things out of anger...that will prevent one's mind from changing.  A heart that wants only revenge, only bad things to happen....is a very dangerous thing. Her heart is so blinded by anger and rage, that it is dictating all of her actions.  
  
     I am working to change myself...so I don't make the same mistakes again.  So that someday I can be happy and have the relationship I have dreamed of.  I know my heart is in the right place.  My heart has forgiven her for the role she played in the failure of our marriage.  That has freed my mind to change for the better as well. 
  
     I worry about her...my ex.  I know I hurt her.  I know she's angry.  And she has every right to be.  But, I worry that change won't come for her.  It's very easy for her to place all the blame on me in our situation.  She doesn't see that she needs to change as well.  And she won't put in the work in order to change.  Because a cold, hard heart....won't allow change.  That's the hardest thing to see...and without putting in the work to change....happiness will always be just out of reach.

      It took hitting rock bottom for me.  Everyone is different.  Maybe it won't take that level of pain...of darkness...for everyone.  But if you find yourself needing change...and you're willing to put in the work...start with your heart.  As desperate as things may feel....if you are willing to work for it,  you can have a change of heart....and a change of mind.

Sarge,
Out.

Get My Geek On

Nerd. Dork. Geek. Dweeb.

     These are but a few of the names that I...and those like me...have been called all my life.  Being different made me the target of much ridicule. And, I admit...I was different.  My imagination worked non stop.  I was a day dreamer...doodling the images from my head in the margin of my school work.  I would fill notebooks with stories that I thought of while I should have been doing my Spanish homework.  

     What I did not know...what most of the nerds and geeks that grew up with me did not know...was that people like us have a place that we can call our own. Not only can we go and get our geek on in a completely judgement free environment...but our Nerditude is celebrated!

     While sports fans have their Super Bowls and World Series (which I love...but, more as an excuse to party...and less for the actual game)...Nerds have Comic Con!  It is the one time a year where we can gather en mass and celebrate all things Comic, pop culture, and Nerd.

Hey....you costumed Nerds!  I've got something to say....

COMIC CON IS COMING!!

     I love going to Comic Con...then again, I have no problem celebrating my inner...and outer...Nerd year round.  It is good, however, to have a place to go and just straight geek out with other like minded individuals.  I have made it a tradition to go to Comic Con every year with my son (The Punk).  I was only able to have him with me on Sunday this year, so I also tagged along with my friend James (Bro) for the weekend.  Spending time with both of them was really fun. That, truly is the best part of the whole event, for me.

     Enough of that sentimental crap.  Back on topic!

     As with most things, I have my favorite parts of Comic Con and there are parts I would like to see....improved upon.

     One of my favorite parts of the whole convention, is that anyone can come dressed up as anything....and no one really cares!  Yes...I have gone to Comic Con in costume, and I loved it.  Costume clad comic and entertainment aficionados ...or Cosplayers....are a staple of the Con.  They range from someone wearing a character t-shirt and a mask, to full blown...hand made suits of armor with lights and sounds.  (Literally, all the bells and whistles.)

     I tip my hat to the creativity and dedication that hardcore Cosplayers put into their costumes each year.  While many Convention attendees go in costume...only a few actually achieve what I would consider 'cosplay' status.   Don't get me wrong.  If someone spends the money on a good Halloween costume and wears it to Comic Con, I salute you for your enthusiasm for your favorite character.  (Except, maybe the Tarzan guy....the old dude who wore nothing but a leather flap over his man parts and butt crack....and that's IT.  I could have gone my whole life not seeing that and being perfectly happy....)  As far as everyone else...Halloween costumes included... I love that you did it.  However...in this guy's humble opinion, store bought doesn't have the same impact as scratch building your costume has.

     The best cosplayers start their costumes months, if not a full year, before the Convention even starts.  Their creativity and talent blow me away.  The details they put into each costume reveal just how dedicated they are to the character and how big a fan they are.  And one of my favorite things to see, is when they twist a concept and make a recognizable character their own.

    I spent some time taking pictures at this years Convention.  Ok...let's be honest.  The first two days of the Con were filled with nothing but taking pictures and meeting the independent artists and publishers (more on that in a little bit.) I have added some examples of the costumes/Cosplay that were wandering the Convention hall. And then there's the Annual Comic Con Costume Contest.  This is always The Punk's favorite part.  Bro is a big fan, too.  So we headed to the contest hall and took our seats.  I took so many pictures that my camera battery died and I had to end the day Sunday taking pics with my iPhone.

     So, essentially...the costumes fall into BOTH categories....one of my favorite parts of Comic Con, AND one of the things that could be improved upon.  What follows is just a sampling of the hundreds of costumes we saw throughout the entire weekend.  I'll leave it up to you to decide how good or bad each comic fan did with their versions of these characters.  I personally pass no judgement....(except toward Tarzan guy...).  I am simply a fan of the fans.

     

 

 

               
 

 

 

 

 

      But it's not all about the cosutmes.  The backbone of the Convention is the comics themselves...and all things comics related.

     That's the other part of the Convention that I want to focus on, the one that is near and dear to my heart.   There is a plethora of highly talented independent artists and publishers that form nearly half the convention floor.  I am consistently blown away by the pure talent that is on display in "Artist Alley."  Independent artists are the heart and soul of the Comic world.  Every big name title out there is drawn by someone who started out as independent.  And I honestly believe the independent artist and publishers are not given enough credit or spotlight.

     So that's what I'm going to do...

     I walked the floor in awe.  I talked to MANY artists and publishers.  From small, two man outfits that literally operate out of basements, to bigger independents that have multiple titles and series....I soaked it all in.  They were all inspiring and renewed my belief in what I do as a writer/artist.

     One of the publishers/writers I met was Odd Truth Publishing.  I was intrigued by the title of their book, Torchbearer.  After talking to Victoria Rodriguez and Torchbearer creator Nicolas Dedual, I found that their story was something I could be really interested in. They took familiar Cyberpunk/sci fi themes....corporations gaining too much power, political unrest, and a dark future...and expanded it to an interstellar level.  The art is very well done and the story, while familiar, is told in a way that piqued my interests.  I just had to find out how, exactly, a corporation can buy an entire solar system.  Check them out here to see what they are all about.

     Another publisher I want to spotlight is Big Dog Ink.  Writer/Creator Tom Hutchison uses BDI to do something that I absolutely love...taking the familiar stories we all know and making them their own.  I first came across them at last year's Comic Con, where their title, "The Legend of Oz, the Wicked West" caught my eye.  They took the familiar story of Dorothy Gale being swept off to the land of Oz, and twisted it into an amazing Wild West fantasy adventure.  Again, the artwork was lovely...but it was the story that caught my attention. 

     Last year, Big Dog got me with "The Legend of Oz."  I took one look at the book and was hooked.  This year, I discovered Critter....their super hero title.  It's an'old school' take on the costumed super hero, which I find refreshing in an industry that is saturated with horror, suspense, and crime/political drama titles.  I bought all four volumes, and The Punk picked up the "In Crowd" trade paperback...which has a tie in with Critter.

    Big Dog carries several titles, all of which are interesting, creative...and fun!  Stories like, Shahrazad (an interesting take on the Arabian Queen from 1001 Arabian Nights), Oz, Ursa Minor, and Penny for Your Soul (about a Demon who wants in on the End of Days war....) grab the reader with stunning cover art, and then keeps them enthralled with innovative story telling and continued amazing art on the inside.   Big Dog Ink is easily one of my favorite creator owned publishers at the Convention.  As a matter of fact, watch this blog for a full review of the company at a later date.  Until then...check them out at the link below and buy some of their books.

     Click Here for Big Dog Ink's Homepage.

     Another indie publisher that caught my eye was FarCorners Studios.  They also had a super hero title out.  Their giant Team Genesis banner was the first thing I noticed.  A picture of the team, in the classic team pose, grabbed my attention.  I decided to speak with the Editor in Chief and writer of Team Genesis, Lincoln Farquharson.  A story teller all his life, he now has the opportunity to tell his stories through comics at FarCorners.  With beautiful art and an interesting storyline, you should check out their page here, and see what the FarCorners Universe is all about.

      Bro is a huge fan of reading books.  I mean, real books with few or NO pictures....just words.  Lots of words.  He likes Comic Con for what it is, but isn't the biggest of comic fans.  This is a fact I enjoyed pointing out frequently all weekend by quizing him on who people were dressed as, or if he knew what comic certain action figures were from.  He got me back, however when it came to other Geekly Wisdom....such as characters from games or books that I hadn't read yet.

     So...as he is the resident book worm of my group of friends, I make it a habit to take Bro's advice when it comes to which novels I should read.  This is doubly true when he has RAVE reviews of new reading material.  This was the case at Comic Con.

     Bro went to AwesomeCon in Washington, D.C. earlier this year.  I, regretfully, was unable to attend.  While he was there, he bought a single book.  Apparently once he opened it and started reading, he couldn't put it down.  He read the whole thing in a weekend.  And then proceeded to tell me all about it.  The book was called the Shadow of the Gauntlet, by Casey Caracciolo.  Here's what Bro had to say about it.

     "Werewolves. Magic. Robots. Vampires. Cybernetic Dragons. Gene manipulated bats.  Each one has been the basis for a novel, or even the spawn of entire genres and yet, all of these things, and more are in Shadow of the Gauntlet.  It sounds like it is too much for one book.  And it is.  That's the good thing about this story.  It's the beginning of a series that I am very excited to follow.  The characters are as varied and colorful as you can possibly ask for, and the world building that went into the story is commendable.  There are allusions to back stories that, hopefully, will show up later in the series, and there is a history to this world that is not our own and which I look forward to reading more about.  All in all, I found the book entertaining and a bit of a tease, because now I am looking forward to finding the answers to some of the questions left unanswered in the first installment."

     As Bro and I walked, we were stopped in our tracks and found ourselves gawking at some truly stunning art.  Bold, dark images of familiar characters, done in a style that invoked true emotion hung on the display in front of us.  And to the side, the artist was working on an original piece, right there....hand painting it on a pane of glass!  It was truly incredible.  The artist is CJ Draden.  The artwork is stunning.  He even has a graphic novel out.  Check out "The Wooden Heart, A Pinochio Story" here.

CJ Draden painting on glass

     There were so many other artists and publishers that I was literally overwhelmed and not sure if I could talk to everyone I wanted to, let alone see ALL the artists that were there.  I shook off the overwhelming sensations, and throughout the weekend, made my way across the entire floor.  I stopped and talked to many of the artists and publishers.  I tried to show my support to ALL of them in one way or another.  I don't think the internet is big enough for me to write even just a paragraph about every amazing person I met this weekend.

     BUT, I do think it would be an injustice to not mention everyone I talked to and share their links with you all.  After all, if those of us that are doing this on our own....independent and proud....can't stick together and support each other, how can we ever hope to make our dreams come true?

     So, in the interest of support, fandom, and flat out AWE at some really amazing talent, here are the links to these artists sites.  Check them out.  Support them.  Even if it's just looking at their page and telling them how awesome you think they are.  Trust me....we check that kind of stuff...and it helps...A LOT!

     Chris Campana:  Amazing art, and a very unique and interesting story.  Check out First World at Firstworldcomic.com.

     For some very cool prints and designs from some awesome '80s pulp icons, ESPECIALLY the classic TRANSFORMERS, check out www.facebook.com/mythsandheroes.  They also do a Transformers podcast.  You can find it on You Tube at Shateredcastuncut.

   Join Lyssa Peate, otherwise known as the pirate bounty hunter Razia, as she balances piracy and planet explorations, her family and new friends, and traverses the uncharted territory of her own heart.  Read more about S. Usher Evans' book "Double Life" here: www.susherevans.com/book-info

     Advent Comics has several titles and the art looked very well done.  Check them out at www.adventcomics.com.

     There were several other artists that turned my head.  Here are their links.

     Brian Hoang: facebook.com/brihoangdraws
     Chris Judge: brightspiralcomic.com
     Keron Grant: kerongrant.net
     Maureen Stewart: facebook.com/designbystew
     Mervyn McCoy: paperlabstudios.com
     Deron Bennett: he can be reached at dbennett@andworlddesign.com

    A couple indie publishers:

     TJ Comics: TJcomics.com
     RCS Comics: www.RSCcomic.com
     Brian Vissagio (writer) and Kevin Roberts (artist) from Redline Comics: the-stronghold.net
   
     This is a fun and free web comic strip by Don J. Morgan for all you movie buffs/film fanatics out there:  filmsvsmoviescomic.com

Check out Caleb "Clive" Lee's WWII spy novel, "Coral Hale: Atomic Agent" at coralhale.com.

     What's a fan without their T-Shirts?  There are several unique clothing companies that provide some really cool shirts and other clothing that you don't see all the time.  Here are a couple.

     Little Petal designs convertible dresses inspired by Comic characters.  Check them out here, LittlePetal.net.
     For some really fun and unique shirts, check out TeeMinus24.com,  I've already got my "Rogers 2016" campaign shirt ordered.  Because, yes...I believe the US needs Captain America to lead the way.

     All in all, it was a great weekend.  I spent time networking and getting to know some wickedly talented artists, writers, and all around creative people.  They are an inspiration to me, and to so many others.  I left the event feeling ready to write the next great American Novel, blog for days about it, and draw at least a dozen new comic characters I thought up while I was walking the convention floor.

 

 

     I enjoyed the time with The Punk, and with Bro.  It's definitely a fun way to bond.  My absolute favorite part of the weekend was watching the Punk search bin after bin of back issues of comics to find the ONE that he needed to complete a story arc, and it made me smile.  And, when he finally found that issue...and the pure joy that crossed his face...well, I totally understood.  Because all weekend, at Baltimore Comic Con, I was that 13 year old fan boy all over again...and it was really good to get my Geek on.

Sarge,
Out